Days 57 and 58

Yesterday we had Carry out from Taco Loco for dinner. It would have been worse if Steve had actually picked up what I asked him to but as it was, I had a large chicken burrito and rice. It certainly wasn’t good for my diet because when I weighed this morning, I’d gained back the two pounds I lost and added one! 

So day 58 is off to a discouraging start and the antibiotic made me queasy this morning. I just can’t work out a schedule with it and I still have nine more days. 😕 I am feeling better though, despite the upset stomach. Either the antibiotic is working or whatever was going on for most of June ran its course. 

Day 56

After a very slow day yesterday, I jumped right back on the exercise bandwagon and did 20 minutes this morning! Yay, me! And it’s good to sweat and not have it be because of hot flashes. 🤪

I was having a great conversation with my health advocate, Velma, this morning when AT&T dropped the call. I still have no service. Must be because of the storms we had all morning. Now, I don’t have a scheduled call from her for next week and no new goal. 😫

Haven’t been sleeping at all because of the neuropathy. Between that and the antibiotic my schedule is way off balance. Thought I was getting a new cream for the neuropathy but it turned out to be the same one I bought at the drug store Monday. Only I could do that. 😕

Day 55

Good news, just got my test results and it is not Lyme disease!

Bad news, I still don’t know what’s been going on with me for the past month. It’s like I have a reoccurring flu, low grade fever, aching and stiff joints, dizziness, weakness and fatigue as well as nightly neuropathy that keeps me from sleeping. I’m glad it wasn’t Lyme disease because it is incurable but still I’m discouraged. They told me to keep taking the antibiotic just to see if it knocks this out. If it doesn’t, then I go back to the doc to try and figure out what’s going on.

Even though I didn’t fall asleep until 4am, I feel pretty good today. So maybe this is passing and maybe I can at least make a start on the kitchen deep clean I’ve been trying to get to for weeks. I need to get ahead on these must do tasks I’ve assigned myself so that I can get back to creating. I finished a special order yesterday and it felt good. Maybe I should make the feel good goal my priority instead of my reward?

I got lucky, Steve doesn’t like to take fish for lunch (says that others complain it stinks up the microwave. Lol) so I get the salmon left over from last night for my lunch. 😊 added Romain with Greek vinaigrette dressing and these wonderfully sweet and flavorful peppers that my sweet neighbor, Ginny Irving brought us last night. I’ll have to check on the name of the peppers but they are so pretty with red and yellow stripes and taste sooooo good.

Day 54

Habits

I finished my three consecutive days of exercise and I’m happy to say, I upped the initial 8 minutes required to 14.5 today. Doesn’t seem like a lot to most people and I could probably do more but I’m building a habit here, not trying to break records. So tomorrow, I’ll add a minute or two more and get to discover a new song on VEVO’s workout playlist. 

I expected to get another habit challenge today but instead, I was told to work the next 21 days setting these three in stone: drink water first thing, eat a high protein breakfast and light exercise. I may be struggling the first fourteen days as I take these antibiotics because they are to be taken on an empty stomach at least an hour before you eat. I took it this morning at 5:00 and that hours wait made me a bit queasy. I ate after an hour had passed and drank my water but it was lunch time before I exercised. So, my schedule will be thrown off a bit, at least until my body adjusts. 

Steve keeps telling me to weigh only once a week. I know that’s wise but my weight yo-yo’s so that I’m always afraid I’ll weigh on a high day. Lol yesterday morning, I’d lost two pounds and this morning, I’d gained it back with interest. No change in my calorie intake so I guess it has to be water weight but it’s still disappointing. The first time I tried to lose weight, I actually weighed in at my goal weight now but I thought I was fat. I started dieting and started an exercise program and in the first two weeks, I dropped fourteen pounds! I would think the fact I weigh so much now would make it easier to lose but it doesn’t. That two pounds, I thought I’d lost last week, keeps holding on for dear life. It would be easy to get discouraged and that’s why I’m concentrating on changing habits as my goal not weight loss. I’m succeeding the stuffing out of establishing these habits and I’m hoping lasting weight loss will be a nice side benefit. 

No news may be good news. I had the misconception that Lyme disease is treatable; it isn’t. She started me on antibiotic and ran blood tests so I will know something in three to four days. I picked up some cream that Janice recommended for the neuropathy and some tick repellant. She said just ibuprofen for the fever and joint pain. Lyme disease or not, I hope this antibiotic knocks it out and I’m back to my normal soon. Today has been a pretty good day; tomorrow, I might not be able to get out of bed. Health-wise, I’m very lucky and I know I have no right to complain but I’m still hating this. 🤐

Day 53

Small changes, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking tiny steps, that are easy to incorporate into my day but hopefully will lead to that big final goal. My final goal is to get my life back. I feel like I’ve just been existing, surviving, trying to hold my head above turbulent waters. This has gone on for several years and if I’m being honest, even when I seemed to have my life together, I lived with the constant fear of disaster. So, these small habits I’m establishing feel like major accomplishments because they signify forward movement out of stagnation and hope instead of fear. I really think, I’m through with fear. I’ve faced the dragon and I realize that he is fueled by my fears. I’ve decided to no longer feed him. My wise friend, Huston’s response to my constant obsessive worry: “Someone has to worry but it’s not going to be me so it might as well be you. But you know, Sande, things can turn out good as easily as they can turn out bad.” I miss him so much but his voice still speaks to my heart. What a blessing he was to my life. 

Speaking of hope, I see my doctor today for blood tests. When I think about how badly I’ve felt for the last month, I’m really proud of myself for continuing to push forward and add healthy habits to my life. I’ve not accomplished what I wanted to or planned but I’ve done something, I’ve chipped away at that dragon and he is weakened and I am stronger. 

Fun, fun, fun!

Starting my day dancing is the best exercise I’ve ever done. Even when I was fit and active, most daily exercise just felt like a requirement. Of course, I had fun activities I loved doing like mountain biking but I didn’t consider that exercise. It’s the same with the dance, I work up a sweat with out realizing I’m working out.

Day 52

Yesterday was a complete bust but I’m feeling human again this morning. I’m drinking my water and will soon be shuffling my feet. Yesterday, I’d lost a bit more but this morning, I had a pound gain. I’m not too concerned over that since sickly me asked Steve to pick up Chinese on his way home from work. Chinese food is notorious for raising your weight a pound or two the day after because of its high sodium content. I didn’t eat the rice, I had a small portion of chicken and broccoli and only drank the broth from my won ton soup. Bodie got the won ton dumplings. Then I took some aspirin, which I should have taken earlier, and my fever broke. By bedtime, I was feeling much better. And now, I’m going to dance!

Day 51

I’m not off to a great start. Actually, I don’t think I can say I’ve really started. I was up most of the night sick and I’m just waking up. I don’t know if I ate something that disagreed with me or if this is all related to how I’ve felt for the last three weeks. I hope I get some answers Monday. So much for exercising first thing but maybe I’ll feel well enough before the day is done. I have the few things I bought at the Amish market to wash and slice. It was slim pickings. I don’t recall ever seeing their offerings so sparse. The only thing they had plenty of was eggplant and even though it’s a favorite, I don’t think eggplant Parmesan is on the acceptable diet foods list. Well, I’m slowly off to try and salvage this day. Ugh!

Exercise!

Well, I finally did it! Turned VEVO to something called Wake The Rock Up! and I danced. I worked in squats, lunges and stretches but mainly I just kept moving for 10 minutes. That may not sound like much but I don’t want to overdo. Tomorrow, I’ll try my best to do this right after my water first thing in the morning because I think it really will wake me the rock up. Lol I’ll do 10 minutes for three or four days and then, I’ll start adding on five minutes at a time as I feel ready. Wow, it’s nice to feel my muscles warm and ready for a challenge. I think I’ll head to the Amish market after lunch. I have so much I need to do but I also need to replenish our vegetables especially after I dropped my peppers and cucumbers last night and lost two thirds of them. I was ready to pick them up and wash them but Steve said, the cats and dog walk on that floor with their nasty little litter covered feet, you’re not going to eat those washed or not. Good thing he was there as the voice of reason. 

Day 40

I’m doing well with the drink water first and high protein breakfast challenge but not so great with the exercise first thing in the morning challenge. I’m hoping, once I get whatever has been going on with me physically over the last three weeks sorted out, I will feel like exercising again. I’ve said that eating a healthy diet with lots of vegetables, for the last week, has made a huge difference in how I feel physically and the clarity I have mentally. Exercise is the next puzzle piece. I know what a high exercise can be and I want that again. I don’t know if what I did yesterday was a mistake or not. I dug my scale out of the closet and dusted it off. Even though weight loss is not my main goal, that would be feeling better and having more energy, I hope that dropping pounds will be a nice benefit of healthier living. Heaven knows, I need to lose weight. Sadly, I’m officially in the obese range although I will not share my actual weight until after I lose much of it. Then I’ll lose all humility and brag...you know what they say, it’s not bragging if it’s true. Lol Hopefully, that day will come but for now, I was saddened by what I saw on that scale yesterday, I weigh more than I thought I did. In one way, that’s a tiny bit discouraging knowing I have that much farther to go but it has given me a starting point so I’ll have good reason to do that bragging if I reach my goal weight. 

Day 39

It’s been a lazy rainy day for me. Little accomplished but I did drink my water. I’ve started a new book, Dr. Gundry’s Diet Evolution. Gundry is a cardiologist and he has facts and success stories to back up his theories. It’s very interesting.

Today’s lunch, homemade chicken salad, using Vegenaise, on whole wheat with fresh organic peppers and cucumbers. I’d planned to have another salad but not feeling well and this is what I was craving. Might have a mandarin orange for dessert. Yum!

Keeping Track

In the past, I’ve managed my diet and lost weight by keeping a meal diary. In the olden days, lol, I did it with a pencil. Now, I use a great free website, my fitness pal. I’ve talked about it in the past and will again when I start using it again. I realized that I was having a lot of false starts and then I remembered something. When I’ve successfully used this tool to lose weight and eat a healthier diet, I always waited a few weeks as I adjusted my diet and worked to change habits like I’m doing now. This delay gives me a chance to make mistakes, which I’m sure to do at first, and when I do start recording my meals, it’s full steam ahead. So, the food diary is coming but right now, I’m working to adjust my mindset and attitude. 😊

Day 48

Not feeling my best today but going to try and push through. There are things I have to do, haul water to the horses, keep the neighbors cows out of our hay field and things I need to do which are too numerous to count. I

Hate thinking that one day of feeling marvelous was the fluke. Lol. It’s time to put on my big girl panties and cowgirl up (yes, I do mix metaphors 😁). I’ve drank 24 ounces of water and had my breakfast of, two boiled eggs, celery and whole wheat toast so I’m fueled for the morning. I still need to do ten minutes of exercise but that will wait until after chores or maybe even lunch.  Time to soldier on. Have a great day, everyone!

Day 47 Update

I’m really surprised at how good I feel after eating a healthy diet for just two days but I shouldn’t be. Let me tell you all a story. In my twenties, I worked out from time to time but I never really had a problem with my weight. Then, at twenty-nine, I had a miscarriage. I was so depressed afterwards that I comforted myself with food. This was a habit that I developed at an early age. In the third grade, we had a teacher that terrorized every student in her class. Honestly, this woman should never have been allowed within a hundred feet of a child. I kept this to myself but my sweet mama could tell something was wrong. So, she started having a hot meal prepared and waiting on me as soon as I got home from school. I think those meals were the only reason I survived that school year. Those meals were in addition to our family dinners and they were all mine. So, some people stop eating when they are sad and stressed but not me. I put on a lot of weight over that next year after the miscarriage and then, I became determined to lose it. I just didn’t know where to start. I’d seen ads for weight loss pills in the back of magazines. I ordered some.  One dose and I knew these weren’t for me.  They were basically speed and they didn’t just make me hyper, they made my heart beat so hard and fast that it felt like it might burst out of my chest. As soon as I felt it was safe to drive, I went directly to the grocery store where I purchased lots of vegetables, fruit and lean protein. I started educating myself on nutrition, keeping a diary of what I was eating and I almost instantly felt better and experienced a natural surge in energy, not a scary, artificial one. With that new energy, I not only started working out, I enjoyed it. It was easy to make all of those healthy changes because I had gotten an instant pay back. It took months to lose the weight but that early feeling of well being kept me motivated. 

Yes, it is half eaten but a healthy, energizing lunch is because no had!

New habit challenge: get moving, start each day with light exercise for the next three days. You saw that one coming, didn’t you? So, did I but I also know it’s needed. I seriously miss how exercise makes me feel and I’m not talking about those aches and pains from over exertion. Lol So let’s start slow but pledge to move our bodies for the next three mornings.

What’s for supper? Day 46:

Day 47:

I’m feeling much better today. I still plan on having blood tests done next week (first available appointment.) I also realize from yesterday that how I feel physically can yo-yo drastically throughout the day. 

Yesterday, I met with my therapist. I told her that despite feeling so physically bad for the last three weeks, I feel like I’ve made tremendous progress this past month and most of that is due to this diary. Writing down my thoughts, problems and progress not only makes me accountable but also helps me to work it problems and discover solutions. It also helps to keep me focused. The habits I’m trying to establish have already had a positive effect just a week in. By focusing on drinking more water and eating a good, high protein breakfast, my attention to the rest of my diet has intensified. Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well after my therapist; heck, I wasn’t feeling well before or during but I pushed myself. I went to Costco when I was greatly tempted to go home and lie down. I went with the intention of just getting a few things but ended up filling my buggy up with healthy food: chicken breasts, squash, celery, Brussels sprouts, strawberries, peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, spinach, turkey, apples, lemons, watermelon, avocados. Someone looked at my cart and said,”You must be a good cook.” I answered,”Not really but I’m trying to eat healthier and just hope I’m not going to be throwing most of this out in two weeks.” I was joking but that has been my pattern in the past. I have good intentions but lousy follow through. I’m determined that this time will be different. When I got home, I unloaded the perishables first. Then I immediately divided all of those chicken breasts (24 of them!) into meal sized packs and froze what I wasn’t going to use immediately. Last night, I roasted four of them(so Steve and I both have one for lunch today. I also sliced up two of the squash and one of the peppers with onion and garlic and roasted them also. Then I made a salad with the lettuce, cucumber, walnuts and Parmesan cheese. I splurged a bit on dessert. I washed and sliced all of the strawberries and served them with sweetened cream cheese on puff pastry. That was an indulgence but a satisfying one. Today, I started my day with 16 ounces of water and then a breakfast of two boiled eggs, whole grain toast and coffee.  After I feed the horses and walk the dog, I will boil more eggs in the InstaPot and wash and slice all of the celery. My neighbor Ginny generously shared the fresh eggs with me. Fresh eggs are so delicious but when boiled are so hard to peel. Surprisingly, they not only turn out perfectly when cooked in the InstaPot but the shell almost slides off. I’ve read some recipes that say 5 minutes on high pressure but I’ve found that 6 minutes works best with my pot. Then you quick release and immediately put the eggs into a bowl of ice water....perfection! So, this day is off to a good start. I still have a long way to go to achieve all of my healthy living goals but as my therapist, Tamala, told me yesterday, small changes are the ones that lead to permanent change. I feel good because I know I’m headed in the right direction. 

Day 45:

Today is the first day of high protein breakfast challenge. Had whole wheat/whole grain toast, scrambled fresh eggs and tomatoes given to us by our wonderful friend and neighbor, Ginny Irving. I also threw in some bacon bits but you can’t give up everything.  Lol it was delicious and filling. And my stomach feels better after breakfast than it has in months. Also had my water, good start!

The next habit changing challenge is eating a healthy, high protein breakfast every morning for the next week. High protein suggestions: eggs, plain oatmeal, nuts, spinach, peanut butter.

Day 45

It’s 2:30 AM so I guess that officially makes it day 45. The bad news, I’ve been awake for two hours. The good news, my fever broke and I feel human again. Day 44 was a bust because I suddenly got sick but more good news, it wasn’t the flu because except for some residual throat pain, caused by more than my normal coughing, I feel good. So, I’m going to take a much needed shower and get some work done. Hopefully, I will make up for what I didn’t do yesterday. And, after my shower, I will drink that water.

Day 44

 I’ve had my water this morning. Yay, me! I’ve been thinking a lot about changing habits lately. We all know change isn’t easy. We also know it gets harder as we get older. Those old, comfortable routines are hard to let go of even if they don’t serve our best interest. And then, I, for one, want to make huge changes that rarely stick. Yesterday, I talked about undivided attention and how modern life has conditioned us to desire instant gratification. I think I might be abl to use that need and my short attention span to my advantage. Small changes, like drinking the water every morning, build up to huge changes but they are much easier to swallow in the short term. I realize now that I’ve been doing this wrong and I think that realization might just bring about the changes I want in my life. I need to take my goals and break them down into small bites. I was thinking about my horses and how my relationship with them has changed. For far more years than I want to admit, I’ve been strictly a food and water supplier to them. I don’t know why it surprises me, when I jump right back in wanting them to do something for me...sometimes something as simple as halter easily...that there is resistance. I noticed, a few months ago, that just a small amount of extra attention could make the process easier. Then, a few days ago, a friend of mine, who is an amazingly talented horse trainer, said, your horse should want to be with you, you shouldn’t have to force it and that forcing simply led to more resistance from the horse. That awareness coupled with the small changes epiphany made me see that I need to start slowly, make my time with the horses as enjoyable for them as it is for me and accept the fact that it will take as long as it takes so I need to be patient with them and myself. Horses are creatures of habit, they seem to find comfort in habit and routine and it makes them feel secure. The same can be said for humans. I think that habit and routine are the keys to all change and if we want positive change in our lives and relationships, it doesn’t happen with huge leaps but with tiny positive steps and patience. 

Day 43

Undivided attention, think about that. How often, in our busy worlds while we’re constantly being bombarded by information and stimuli during our waking hours, do we actually give anything our undivided attention? As I type, I’m eating breakfast and the TV is playing the news in the background. All during my day, I tend to have self inflicted distractions around me at all times. It’s almost like I need them or I think I do. When I started this 365 day journey, one of my intentions was to live in the moment and concentrate on just one activity at a time. I think, for the most part, I’ve failed miserably in the first 43 days. Part of it isn’t my fault, modern life seems to constantly throw dozens of things at us at one time.  Our brains aren’t designed for this overload. In the past ten years, as technology has advanced at a lightning pace, it seems that all of these devices made to save time, make us more productive and efficient have had just the opposite effect. They seem to distract us from what we need to be doing and they’ve taken over our lives. Instead of the tools they were designed to be, they’ve become our masters. Lately, I’ve realized that I lose concentration and focus so easily. Activities, like reading, that I once enjoyed and did prolifically seem almost impossible now. There was a time when I would read two or three books a week; now it can take three weeks to finish one. I don’t think that shift is caused solely by excessive stimuli but also because we’ve come to expect instant gratification. Most of the information we receive in a day is delivered quickly and briefly. Seldom, do we dig deeper than headlines. We play games that last seconds and hook us in by offering the chance of victory or improvement instantaneously. We binge TV programs because we don’t want to wait seven days to find out what happens next. We argue politics over sound bites and we avoid personal relationships by texting instead of talking face to face. Of course, there are benefits and advantages offered by modern technology. I’m not suggesting we give it up entirely but maybe it would do our minds and souls good to step away from the screens and the noise for at least part of our day. We weren’t meant to be islands but islands we’ve become. Spend some time today looking someone in the eye when you talk to them, meditate or read that book. Let’s just slow down for a moment and give something or someone our undivided attention. 

Days 40 & 41, an admission, a confession

I don't know how well I'm doing on my quest to remake my life in a year. I am making progress but you know, it's still a struggle every day. A young friend asked me last weekend why I wasn't working with my horses every day. She asked if it was just a lack of time. I told her that part of it, this time of year, was the heat. It's true, I haven't been able to take the summer heat for years. It started at perimenopause. Although fair skinned I and the sun have never been close friends, it got much worse as I aged and my body went through changes. I became so intolerant of heat and the sun that a few minutes of sun exposure would break me out in an angry, itching and painful rash on any exposed skin. This first occurred after I'd been diagnosed with malignant melanoma which was, thankfully, caught in early stages and completely removed with surgery. I thought the rash might be my bodies way of protecting me from myself. lol Then, as I entered perimenopause, I discovered that just a little exertion in a warm environment would send me into heat exhaustion. Several times, I've collapsed and come very close to passing out after doing something that at one time would not have bothered me. I imagine that my weight has a lot to do with that. It's like insulating an oven so much that it nearly explodes. But despite my problems with the summer sun and heat, that's really no excuse. The real reason is, despite good intentions, I can never get out the door during the cool hours of the morning. Another excuse comes to mind and it's one I use quite often, I haven't been sleeping well for some time BUT neither that nor the heat are the real reason. I think this is a lot like an alcoholic who has to admit that they have a problem before they can address the problem. So, confession time, I've dealt with clinical depression for years. I've known that's what it was but didn't get it diagnosed until a few years ago. It was after my friend Huston passed. I'd lost too many friends in the years before and many more in the years since but, despite the fact that his death at 90 was not unexpected, it was like all of the pain of those many losses piled on my heart at the same time. I think I couldn't live in denial any longer. I had shed many tears but still I'd pushed the grief down. Suddenly, it was staring me right in the face and I couldn't deny it any longer. I finally went to the doctor about my depression. She put me on a medication that I thought would solve my problems but all it did was numb my emotions. It was like my soul was this fish pond where the schools of fish are visibly in a wild, confused flurry of movement right below the water but the water's surface remains as calm and unmoved as a sheet of glass. Since I'd never taken an anti-depressant before, I had no idea that this wasn't how I was suppose to feel. I realized something was seriously wrong when my oldest sister passed away and although my heart was aching with loss, by all outward appearances, I was unmoved. Still, I didn't do anything about it until a health coach that our insurance company had signed me up with finally got me to admit why I was making no progress with my diet and exercise program. He immediately assigned me someone to talk with and that person immediately sent me to a therapist where they changed my medication and started me on talk sessions to help me deal with my long hidden affliction. I think I have made progress, this whole project of trying to get myself involved in my own life again in the next year came out of it. And it is helping but, as with talk therapy, sometimes the uncovering of one trigger and becoming aware and dealing with that problem seems to stir up those battling fishes all the more. A friend of mine once said that therapy is like peeling an onion, each layer only reveals another layer and it's often stinkier than the last. That might explain all of the tears. lol I joke but it is sometimes true but the tears are cathartic. They show we're headed in the right direction and allow us to let go of that tiny chunk of hurt. So, back to the question, why am I not working with my horses...Danny is eight years old for heaven's sake!....? Why am I not living my life? Why am I not creating? Why am I not making better progress on this house? Why am I not losing weight and getting in better shape even though I know the path to take to that goal and all it takes is starting? Why? Because, I hide away like a Hobbit. I hide like all of those good things are threats to my life instead of rewards. I stay in the dark instead of walking out into sunshine. And that is where the struggle lies. I need to break lose of this prison that's held me captive for far too long but I find myself just digging deeper into this dungeon that I've placed myself in to protect me. I am trying and some days I succeed while other days, I try and fail and other days, I don't even try. But this isn't all gloom and doom and I sincerely do not believe this is how my story ends. I've tried to change for years and just keep sinking back into the familiar no matter how badly it stinks. It feels safe to me even though, in reality, it is killing me. But here is what I hope is the key, by casting off the shame and stigma that depression places on me and confessing to all of you what a coward and failure I feel like for letting this condition steal my life from me, I hope I am taking the first step toward the life I want and deserve, the life I thought I'd lost. It's still here, I'm still here and there is still time.

Day 39

I feel better today than I have in three weeks! I spent some time with the horses this morning. I brushed each of them and they seemed to enjoy it. Still having problems getting the extreme tangles out of Riley's and Danny's tails but little by little. It makes me feel so good to spend time with them though. It's good for both them and me.

I'm still cleaning out closets and moving in and straightening in the pantry. This is going to take longer than I thought but then, don't most things? I really think this entire week might be devoted to just cleaning out and storing elsewhere, giving away or throwing away stuff in preparation for starting the painting and repairs on the rest of this house. BUT the good news is, I have started and I am making progress and that is good for my spirit. The more I do, the more I want to do and the more energy I seem to have to do it. I've known for a long time that the blockade keeping me from accomplishing my goals was more mental and emotional than anything else. I hold onto the past too tightly and that keeps me from moving forward. I hope now that I'm breaking some of those ties and unraveling others.

Days 37 and 38

I’m a little over a month in and feeling like I’ve hit a roadblock already. It’s easy to get discouraged. It’s easy to think that the way I’ve been feeling physically for the last few weeks is going to last forever. I honestly don’t know why I’ve been feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck both physically and emotionally but today, I am feeling much better. For days, my muscles have been so fatigued, despite the fact that I’ve not done anything that was physically exerting, that my legs would begin to trembling after I stood for only a few minutes. Each day though, I have felt better and each day, I seem to have more energy and strength. Today, I feel normal for the first time in over two weeks. Perhaps it was the combo of the steroids and antibiotics but whatever the cause, I’m feeling stronger, more energetic and hopeful. It is discouraging when you have great plans, so much to do and obligations to others and there are days when you feel like you can’t push through even the simplest tasks. It would be easy to just say, forget this because it’s impossible for me, but, thankfully, my energy is revived and I’m relatively pain free today and I realize that just accomplishing one thing today will motivate me to do more tomorrow. Sometimes, feeling physically bad can depress and discourage you to the point that you ask, will life always be like this? But, sometimes, all it takes is one day of feeling good to get you back on track. I could keep asking, why I’ve felt so badly but why do that? I’m instead going to concentrate on this day when I’m feeling great and ask myself, what can I do with that?

On another note, I have several areas where I want to develop routines. I was recently talking with a friend about how important routines are.  I like to think of them as organized habits and there is power in habits. I’m not certain yet whether I need to work on all of them at once or just one at a time. I don’t know at what point that would become overwhelming and a deterrent. So, I might choose one to really concentrate on over the next week and prepare for one or two more. I’ll give more details in this coming week. After the last few weeks of feeling like an absolute failure, I think it’s best for me to take just one day at a time. So today, I’ll give myself one task, moving my painting(house) supplies into the pantry for now, I have an empty shelf and if that gets done, I’ll feel the day is a success. Anything else I get done is gravy!

Days 32-36

It has been too many days since I've posted but I have two good excuses, we are baling our hay and I've not felt at all well. Any tasks accomplished have had to do with hay and feeding the hay crews. I've made several home cooked meals and last night, Costco cooked for us. I went to Costco to pick up water and snacks for them and I also brought home a large Chicken Alfredo, Lasagna and a big spinach salad. I made small sliced garlic breads to go with it. Today, I'm finally feeling better and I hope to get some stuff done on the house that I've been putting off so tonight, they may be getting pizza. They are young and love pizza so it's always a winner. If the salad holds up, we'll have that, too. I have realized over the past few days just how much I need to lose weight and get in shape. I know both of those areas are contributing to my problems with the heat. All the others have been working out in the hot sun. I just moved the metal table down to the shade and carried out all of the food on Wednesday night and I seriously nearly had heat stroke. I started feeling sick to my stomach but kept pushing through until I had put everything out but the dishes and then I suddenly felt very weak, my legs started shaking, my head was spinning, I was sweating profusely and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest because it was beating so hard. I had to lie down and Steve, bless him, came and got the plates and brought me a water. I had another episode yesterday when I was loading my groceries into the truck at Costco. It doesn't help that everything, especially the water, is super-sized there. The good news though is that I'm feeling much better today. For the first time in weeks, I woke up feeling rested and I didn't get up a dozen times during the night. So, here's hoping today, I get everything I have planned done....wouldn't that be nice? :)

Day 31

The good news, I’m finally feeling better, my energy level is rising but that doesn’t mean I’ve accomplished much. I made a trip to the grocery store earlier and ran an errand for a friend. I think I have a solution to the problem of finding wood for starting to carve and doing wood sculpture again. I hope that’s going to happen in the next two months. I’m at least closer than I have been in the two years I’ve been saying I was going back to it. One thing holding me back, my old sources for basswood no longer exist. So, after wasting time looking for new suppliers and having zero luck, I thought this morning, why not just use another wood? Sometimes, the obvious is the hardest to see. So, today hasn’t been a total bust and it’s not totally spent but I need to get busy. I have an over flowing sink of dishes waiting on me and chili to prepare for tomorrow. I thankfully will not have to pack Steve’s lunch since it’s hay time. He will start cutting tomorrow and then I’ll have another list of tasks to do. So I’d better take care of today’s tasks today. As for my new determination to lose weight and get in shape, that discussion may have to wait until after this hay crop is baled. Aging seems to have not only taken away my ability to multitask but also my ability to concentrate on more than one problem or task at a time. 

Day 30

Well, it's been a month since I started this diary. I haven't accomplished everything I'd hoped to but life does interfere with living. I have met some of my goals and I think I've changed my mindset quite a bit. I think I'm beginning to see the path forward a little more clearly but trying to be constantly present in your life is not easy. I do think it is the key to solving a lot of problems. For one thing, I waste a lot of time either over thinking every thing or distracting myself so I don't have to think about everything. What can I say, I'm a walking contradiction. lol But it is true that I will use books, TV, games on my phone, this darn contraption I'm sitting in front of, to keep from doing what I need to be doing. I've pulled back from FB because I realized I was watching others live their lives more than I was actually living my own. And I'm not saying that, in the last 30 days, I've changed that bad habit completely but I am at least aware of it now and I'm working on it, just like I'm working on me, one day at a time. Some days, I do better than others. Some days, feel like complete failures but if I learn something, if I become aware and have one of those self realizations, that is an accomplishment because it will help me to be better the next day and it builds on itself....and I do still have 335 days to reach that better life. Lots of work to do but still lots of time and the key is to live in the moment and be aware.

Now, even though weight loss is not my primary goal in this year, I would like to lose weight and I'd love to lose a substantial amount. The thing is, I've had blinders on where my weight is concerned. I've been aware that I am fat but whenever the doctor would say that O word, obese, I'd think that was ridiculous because I just didn't see myself as that heavy....even when photos would tell me otherwise. I had a bit of a shock yesterday that opened my eyes. I decided to stay away from the scale and instead use my weight measurement to show if I was losing weight. The initial measurement was high but no worse than expected. The shock came when I circled the tape to the size my waist was up until about forty-five. It really knocked the breath out of me and my jaw fell. It seemed impossible to imagine that my waist was ever that small. I didn't consider myself small then but looking at that circle of tape, it seemed humanly impossible that anyone's waist could be that small. Will my waist ever be that small again? Probably not; I mean let's be honest, our body shifts and changes as we age, areas thicken and sag and there's nothing to be done about that. But still, looking at what was my tiny little waist was eye opening especially when I compared it to my current waist size. Yikes! Talk about motivation, it's time I took action and start eating healthy and exercising again. And back to honesty, I don't feel like I have any other choice but to start now. At my age, my window of opportunity on fitness and weight loss is closing fast.

Day 29

Although I would like to lose weight and get into better shape, those weren't the only motivation for starting this blog. The idea was to not only bring balance to my life but to live each day with purpose and fully. Balance is something I've strived for most of my life but never quite achieved. It seems that when most of my life is going well, I'm fit, active, successfully working and being creative, there is still some facet that is totally off the board. Maybe complete balance and contentment is an impossible dream. I remember a friend who had just reached middle age (Which of course is much younger than I am now unless I expect to live to 124.) saying to me, I thought we'd have our act together by now. Well, I've been waiting to get my act together for 62 years...well, maybe 42 years because up until 20, most of us think we have it all together. I'm still not there but still trying and striving forward. And I guess that's all I can ask of myself and my life, to keep trying to improve, to keep trying to make myself better each day. And that is where the purpose comes in. Yesterday, I accomplished quite a bit on the house but I also broke a bad habit. I can be a hermit (and enjoy it) if I don't keep an eye on myself. The thing is, once I force myself out the door, I usually enjoy myself tremendously. Last night, we went out to dinner with three young, outstanding women. We went to our favorite local restaurant, Taco Loco, where they always make us feel like family. And speaking of family, who did I see as we walked in the door, my niece, Kim enjoying dinner with her great group of friends. I'm so proud of her because she does this on a regular basis now. They go to various exercise classes and then meet for a meal and lots of fun and laughter. It seems like, unlike me, she has her life together, she has found her balance. I'm so proud of her. And I'm proud of me for venturing out because I did have a wonderful time and being with people who make you laugh and have fun while eating wonderful food at a great restaurant, that is good for your spirit and certainly pushes you a little closer to that elusive balance.