Why my exercise isn’t getting done today and why my neighbors heard some profanity filled screams from my place this morning. Danny stepped on me and then stood there looking at me as if asking why I was hitting him as I tried to push him off. After several hours of ice, it isn’t too swollen but still hurts when I put pressure on it...or shoes.

Day 84

I’ve been getting off track a bit. Even though I’ve been active, I can’t seem to establish that exercise habit. I had an episode yesterday where I came close to passing out. I was holding Mouse while our vet, Melissa Hamilton, was floating her teeth. I started feeling queasy, then suddenly weak and light headed.  Thank goodness, Ginny Irving and the girls, Colleen and Clare, had kindly come over that morning to help untangle the horses’ tails(they did all the work while I held brat Danny). I called out to Ginny asking her to take Mouse and then stumbled backwards and collapsed on the ground. My blood sugar must have dropped and I’m sure the heat didn’t help. The girls got me water and Mellisa gave me a hard candy. I was on my feet soon but stayed wobbly well into the afternoon. I later told Steve how embarrassed I was when this happened and when it started all I could think was how foolish and weak I felt being the one doing the least work and yet I’m the one who falters. Steve pointed out two things to me, the heat really bothers me as I’ve aged and I’ve hardly left the house since my surgery last year. I think this is one of those things I’ve been in denial about because I think my year and a half of being agoraphobic is mainly because of depression. The good news is, in the last 84 days of keeping this journal, I’ve started being more aware of several things. One is my diet, I’m making better choices with food and I’m really thinking about what I eat and if I’m really hungry. The other is my activity habits. I’m realizing more and more what I’m missing out on by spending so much time in the house, often locked away in my dark bedroom. Steve blames my lack of sleep but I blame both this awful habit and insomnia on the depression that’s held me prisoner. I am finding more joy and less fear in being outside, enjoying the sunshine and beauty around me, enjoying spending time with the horses and laughing and sharing time with family and friends. You would think knowing the happiness these things bring me would be a given but it’s not. I can’t explain the dread, sometimes fear that I have to battle some days just forcing myself to go outside or interact with others. Things are getting better though and I think this diary and the introspection and self discovery it generates is a big part of that. I also can not express how much the support all of you have given me has meant, too. So, even though I still struggle to establish that exercise habit, my life is so much better than it was 84 days ago. I think I am accomplishing my initial goal of making my life better, improving me and finding balance. I think of my life as a scale. Before, it was leaning all the way to one side and so overloaded with bad that I felt buried but now, there is a lot of happiness weighting down the bright side of the scale and I’m steadily rising up.

I went with raw veggies instead of chips...I was tempted. 😏

Day 81

Day 81

I just read the most incredible story. A friend’s sister had a dream at 15, she wanted to be an airline pilot. That seems like an unattainable dream for a small town girl. I’m sure, if she shared that dream then, someone probably told her that. I remember many of my dreams that others told me were impossible. Some of those dreams, I came close to achieving but there was always that lingering doubt in myself that was put there by others that kept me always short of my goal. Well, my friend’s sister had a wonderful life, a great marriage to a pastor, a houseful of sons, many accomplishments and achievements but after all of that she knew it still wasn’t too late to dream big. Today, she is an airline pilot! 

I was awe struck when I read this. So I went to her Facebook page to do some information mining and find how she achieved such a huge dream. I found a post about a book she read with a study group at her church, Chasing the Lion by Mark Batterson. She said that she wrote down her dreams before starting the book. She showed the list, written on a green post it, and right at the top was: airline pilot. To have held on to that dream for that long, it truly had to be important to her, part of who she knew she was meant to be. She underlined a few quotes in the book. One stood out to me,”if your dream doesn’t scare you, it isn’t big enough.”  She said that, as she read that book, she realized that chasing your dreams, especially those that seem insurmountable, was the ultimate act of faith. We think in terms of time and its restrictions but God exists in the eternal. What a wonderful way of looking at life!

As I look back, I realize now how much I haven’t done or even tried because it seemed unachievable. Sometimes other people told me that and sometimes I told myself. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t capable and sometimes I thought I wasn’t worthy of success. But as the Bible says, “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s not about our ability or the size of the dream or even our own strength. It’s about having faith in God even if we don’t have faith in ourselves.

I took a bad fall from my horse years ago and I had an extreme fear of riding after that. I kept pushing myself, taking lessons and getting back in the saddle over and over even though I was terrified. I had a wonderful friend named Huston Jenkins. He sold me my first horse when I was 49. We became close friends despite the miles that separated us, he lived in Missouri and I lived in Eastern Tennessee. We would talk on the phone almost every day. I use to joke that when he sold me that horse, he never knew he was taking on a fifty year old to raise. He was an amazing horseman, he was a godly man and he was the finest, wisest human I’ve ever known. He knew my struggles with my fear. He was constantly telling me, don’t worry so much because things can just as easily turn out good as bad. One day, I was on my way to a riding lesson when I had an epiphany. A woman I knew had recently had a bad car wreck on the interstate bridge that I was crossing. She would live but she had very serious injuries. I had had a tire blow out on that same bridge. It was so powerful that it spun my car around. This was at five p.m. when traffic is always heavy and it had been so seconds before my blow out. But as I found myself facing the wrong direction on that highway, there wasn’t a car in sight. I managed to turn the car around and limp to the side of the road at the end of the bridge and suddenly the traffic was thick again. A transfer truck pulled over in front of me. He ran to my window and asked if I was okay. He told me that his buddy saw what had happened and radioed him to please stop and check on me. I knew I’d just been blessed with a miracle. As I was remembering that, the epiphany came, I’ve had so many things happen in my life where I should have been seriously injured or hurt but I came through with only minor injuries if any. I suddenly realized what Huston had been trying to tell me. I called him up and told him that and we talked all of the way to my lesson. That day, I mounted my horse without fear for the first time and I rode with such confidence that my instructor took notice. I was so happy and I called Huston to share my joy while still sitting in the barn parking lot. What he said to me made my heart swell with a feeling I’d never had. “I knew you could do it. I had faith in you even when you didn’t have faith in yourself.”

I was thinking today, as I read Leslie’s post, It isn’t just about saying we put faith in God, it’s about realizing that God has faith in us even when we don’t have faith in ourselves. Realizing that makes me feel powerful and not in a vain way but in realizing that strength and power comes from God. I think my life has changed today. 

I have dreams. One, reclaiming and rebuilding my life by first rebuilding my health and fitness has raised a lot of doubt and insecurity in me. I think all of my dreams teeter on the precipice of that major doubt, I’m too old. Ive thought, I’m not only too old to accomplish this, I’m too old to even dream it. Today, I’ve started thinking on God’s eternal and not the unsure timetable of this life. It’s about faith but it’s also about realizing that those tiny steps are forward moving and they assure me that each day will be a little bit better than the one before. Life is a journey but you can’t have a journey if you don’t move. So let’s run toward those dreams because whether or not we actually reach them, the trip there is going to be one heck of an adventure.

Regaining Your Power

I have something else to talk about today. Velma and I discuss more than just physical health and weight loss when we have our weekly coaching calls. She told me, this past Monday, that she was impressed of the emotional strength I've gained since I began this journey 79 days ago. She said that it was because of this page and my blog where I not only record my successes and my setbacks but I become introspective and try to sort out my motivations and those things holding me back from having the life I want. We had just discussed something very hurtful that someone did to me years ago. The incident was actually motivating but I would much rather have positive influences in my life. Velma just kept responding to my story by exclaiming, "That's so terribly hurtful and cruel." Then she said, "You know, Sande, that had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was all about their own pain and insecurity. They just took it out on you." I told her that I was aware of that now even if I didn't realize it at the time. I said that most helpful wisdom that had come to me in my 62nd year was that forgiveness was for me not for the person who offended me. I heard Phil Fulmer answer, after his firing as UT's football coach and in response to a reporter's question of whether he resented the university, "Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and expecting it to kill the other guy." If your from Tennessee, you know that Phil did get his revenge in a way and now is the athletic director. His words were so true. I use to hold onto hurt, I use to blame myself, think I deserved it and often feared being around those who hurt me. I've realized, as I've gotten older, that I wasted far too much time and energy concerning myself about these things. I discovered that I was not only allowing these sad people power over me, I was giving my power to them. When I finally decided to forgive and let go of the hurt, I not only felt set free, I felt empowered! So, I'm claiming my power now. Now, I would pity those people....if I were thinking about them at all. lol

Day 79, Progress

Losing weight through establishing small healthy habits and building on them only once they are established is a slow way to lose weight but Velma assured me that the changes I see in my body will be permanent because of the slow process I’m using and because I’m remaking my life at the same time that I remake my body. About three weeks ago, my neighbor, Leesa told me to stop weighing myself daily and instead use a measuring tape to show progress. I measured myself on July 5. The healthy habits I’ve been trying to establish, for the last three weeks (since starting my coaching with my health advisor, Velma), are eating healthier and making certain I get vegetables at lunch and exercising for at least ten minutes a day. I’m still working on the exercise habit. When I get busy, the most I can fit in is walking the dog but I’ve renewed my efforts today. I’m going to make a very dedicated effort to workout (my preferred method is dance) for at least ten minutes daily and build in that a minute or two each day until I’m back to where I was two weeks ago, 24 minutes of sweat inducing movement. On the diet front, I’m doing much better. I have not been keeping track of my diet in my diary but I have become far more aware of what I’m eating. Steve and I are trying to include a green salad at dinner every day. I’m watching our carb intake, eating lean protein and trying to have a serving of vegetables at every meal. We also are using fresh fruit as our treats and dessert. It’s a great time of year to eat healthy with so much fresh produce available. We aren’t heavy salters so that’s not a problem especially since we gave up chips(for the most part, lol.) So, even though there’s always room for improvement, I’m very pleased with the changes we’ve made even though they are small. Despite the fact that I have at least 75 pounds to lose, you all know that wasn’t my main goal. It is however, a good measure of progress. The scale has only shown 3.4 pound loss in the last three weeks but Velma tells me that one pound a week is good because it’s fat not muscle. But what about those measurements I took 21 days ago? I’ve lost: .75 inch from my waist, 1.5 inches from my stomach (above my waist), and 2.4 inches!!! from my hips. I knew my pants were getting loose! 😁 I also lost 1.5 inches from my right thigh(only measured right side because it is generally larger than the left) and a quarter inch from my right upper arm (I hate the size of my arms so any loss there is a reason to celebrate...plus, I’ve got a pretty blouse I want to fit into before Summer’s end.) I’m taking small steps but I’m definitely making progress!

Day 77

I feel great today! I think my body is finally well and I’m trying to get back on track with establishing those new healthy habits. 

I had my coaching call with Velma today. We had a great discussion. She told me that she’s watched me not only get healthier over the last month but also grow emotionally. We discussed how different this process is now compared with thirty years ago but we didn’t talk about those negative differences brought on with age. We talked about positive changes. The entire reason for making these healthy changes is a positive one. Instead of losing weight because of what others think of me like I did when I was younger, I’m working to claim my own power, improving myself to improve my life and letting go of those negative motivators from the past. I’m learning patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I’m wiser now and know myself and my body better and I know this is going to take small steps and time but I’m building a new life for myself as well as a new body. I’m getting stronger and I’m reclaiming my power. And I’m not only accepting that I’m 62, I’m darn proud of those years and how much they’ve taught me. 

Day 76

Back on track, I had a protein shake made with kefir and frozen cherries with a small banana and a few walnuts for breakfast. The protein mix I’m using has lots of probiotics. So, with the kefir and yogurt, I should have my tummy and digestive system back on track soon. I haven’t been eating much lately. That can be both a good and bad thing. Since it is Sunday and Steve finally has a day off from work, I fixed a larger lunch and better for me than my usual, catch what I can and what’s easiest. We just finished a meal of roasted chicken, potatoes and carrots with sliced cucumber on the side. We had fresh peaches for dessert. It was a nutritious and satisfying meal. I haven’t done a restart on my dancing workout yet but I did take Bodie for a long walk last night which he and I both enjoyed. I’m headed in the right direction. I even showed a slight weight loss after a week when I thought I did nothing right. I’m hoping, if I do everything right in the coming week, I will be rewarded with progress by next Sunday. 

New Resolve

I think this is day 74 or maybe it’s 75. I’ll confess, I’ve really failed at the program over the last week. Luckily, even though there aren’t do overs, there are restarts.  And I think I begin again not only with new determination but with new healthy information. I’ll be telling you more in the next few days but this really reminds me of my first efforts rebuilding my health and life thirty two years ago after I’d crashed and burned. I’m beginning to think an addiction to unhealthy food and habits is like any other, you often have to hit rock bottom to really be motivated to change.  

All of us living in our fifth, sixth or more decade are aware that our health and bodies are more vulnerable. After the scare of nearly losing my friend this week and learning that she, like me and most of us, was reluctant to go to the ER when she got sick, I’ve realized that we have to be especially diligent and not hesitate even if we think there may be a simple explanation for our problem. She was told that five minutes more and she would have died. Now, she’s on the road to recovery and hopefully coming home next week. So listen more carefully to your body. I know we’re all guilty of this but don’t second guess or self diagnose. Also, from my own experience, don’t wait to get an appointment with your doc; head to the ER. Those doctors are trained to spot trouble quickly and that could save your life. 

Day 72

It’s been five days since I’ve exercised, kept my food diary or actively pursued my new habits. There are several reasons. One,we were putting up hay for several days and I’m the cook. It’s lots of fun and I love the people who help us but it still throws my schedule off and I find, as I age, I’m not as flexible. Two, I started taking a new, very strong OTC med for my allergies/sinus problems. It’s suppose to be taken every twelve hours and also suppose to be non drowsy but I’ve only been taking it at night. It’s helped tremendously with my cough and I’ve been sleeping solidly for six or seven hours a night. I woke up feeling refreshed and thought today would be the day I get back on track. But then,I decided to take a pill this morning. It knocked me out! I don’t even remember going back to bed but I didn’t wake up until noon! ...which was forty-five minutes ago and I still feel groggy. The third reason I’m feeling off today, my dear friend,Valarie, is very sick. She had emergency surgery yesterday and she’s still in critical condition. That puts everything else in perspective. Life is unpredictable. We need to stop taking what is truly important for granted, we need to live each day as fully as possible. I need to remember my initial purpose in starting this blog. It was to improve my life one day at a time by living each day with purpose and presence. I’ve fallen off track but I can easily reset myself. Please say a prayer for my friend’s healing as you go through your day. 

Day 71

Motivation

Sometimes even negative input can motivate you to make good changes but sometimes that type of motivation can backfire on you. When you’re trying to prove something to someone else, you may want to take reckless shortcuts to reach your goals faster and you’re less likely to stick with the “plan” once those goals are reached. 

When I was twenty nine, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and I turned to food for comfort. One day, a family member called me up and she was laughing when I answered the phone. She said, “I just had to tell you the funniest thing. Someone saw you out walking and asked if you were pregnant and I said, no, she’s just gotten incredibly fat.” That slap in the face wasn’t enough for her; she told this story and laughed and laughed whenever she had an audience, friends or strangers, and I was present. I know my emotions were already raw because of the miscarriage but it hurt every time. So, I became determined to lose the weight but just upping my activity and lowering calorie intake wasn’t working fast enough. I ordered some diet pills advertised in the back of a magazine. I was so excited when they arrived. Mega planner that I am, I’d already mapped out how quickly I was going to be able to show my antagonist up. But it only took one pill to reveal to me that the fast track was not the best path to weight loss. It wasn’t long after I’d swallowed that capsule that my heat started racing so that it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. I broke out in a sweat and my head was spinning. As soon as I recovered enough, I tossed the pills and drove straight to the grocery to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. I educated myself about good nutrition that would fuel my body. I lost the weight and I worked out. I was in the best shape of my life and I was full of energy and enjoying my life. That person continued to throw cruel and critical barbs at me but they just bounced off. I was confident now and able to laugh at them instead of being wounded. 

But, as I was discussing with a friend this weekend, it isn’t just about establishing new habits, it’s also about breaking old, harmful ones. I find myself getting discouraged because I’m not seeing progress as quickly as I’d hoped or expected. I find myself calculating how much I need to lose to impress some protagonist when I see them again. Then I remember my first goal wasn’t weight loss, it was improving my health to enhance the wellbeing of future me and regain vitality in my present. So, another healthy habit I plan to start building is reminding myself every day why I’m making these changes and knowing that every day I repeat my new healthy habit is a victory and motivating myself in positive ways is, too. 

Days 68-69 and maybe more. 

We’re putting up hay folks so I may be taking a few days hiatus. I’ll be back soon. 

Day 67

Still not feeling my best. I spoke with my health advocate today. She told me to listen to my body and take it easy until I do feel better. I’m hoping that’s soon. She told me that the work I’m doing now was insurance for my future. I’m insuring that I can stay healthy and active for years to come with the small steps I’m taking now and the habits I’m building. 

Day 66

I’m not feeling at all well and I have an appointment this morning. I think I’m dealing with the after effects of that darn antibiotic. But, despite feeling lousy and not doing any exercise for the past few days, I was surprised with a little more than a pound loss. Hip hip hooray! It’s slow progress but still progress. 

Day 64

I did 24 minutes of dance this morning. I’m feeling good and proud of myself. I’m slowly remaking myself, I’m learning patience, I’m learning forgiveness for myself and others, I’m gaining energy and beginning to find joy, I’m caring for myself both body and soul, I’m letting go of grudges, of resentment, of unrealistic expectations, I’m healing, I’m becoming well. It will be a long journey because it will last my lifetime but I’m sure of my course now. 

One more thing, I got my weight loss package from Cigna today. There is a book with advice, a plate to make you aware of portion size, a pedometer and a measuring tape. I made use of the measuring tape and wrote down my results. No! I will not tell you what my measurements but I’ll be happy to share how many inches I lose over the coming months. 😁

Day 63

I am so over these antibiotics! I had my four month check up with the oncologist today. Everything looked good and he said, when I hit the two year month next Spring, my checkups will be six months apart. So, “Yay!” for that but the shopping I’d planned for afterwards was postponed. I started feeling sick before I left the house. When I was sitting there waiting on the doc, I broke out in a cold sweat and not for the usual reason of having to have that dreaded gynecological exam. I started home and my stomach was cramping so badly I could hardly drive. No, I’m not sick again, it’s these darn pills. I’m just over it. Five more days. I don’t know whether to celebrate or cry. Like my favorite Katharine Hepburn quote, “Today is not a good day to ask for details.” One little triumph, I did get in my 20 minute workout this morning. I smartly did it right after taking the pill. Their effects are like clockwork, it takes an hour before I start feeling sick and three more before they rally start beating up on me. I’m sorry to whine so much. I’m very grateful that this is because of the pills I’ll stop soon and not the norm. But I think all of us need at least one feel sorry for me day every few months and this is mine. 😆 

Day 62

I ask you all to bear with me and be patient. I know I have to be patient with myself right now. Antibiotics have never bothered me until now. It might be because these are the third antibiotics I’ve taken this year but this time around, they are battling my digestive track and winning. With that exception, I am feeling better and hoping, once I finish out this last week on the pills, that I’ll be back on track. But, for now, I’m finding it difficult to maintain a weight loss diet. I’m still trying to keep it as healthy as possible but find I’m eating far more than I should. It’s like when I had ulcers and would constantly feed the beast to keep it from roaring. That’s when I started putting on weight. It’s easy to see our mistakes in retrospect and difficult not to repeat the same ones when the same need arises again. So I’m eating too much, too often and I’m also doing something I’ve never done and eating at night after I’ve failed to fall asleep. My sleep cycle is also a mess and I never feel like exercising. So, I could conclude that I’m failing miserably or I could take health advocate Velma’s advice, be kind to myself, be forgiving and realize things will change in five more days. In the mean time, Steve picked up more yogurt for me last night. Maybe, I can get my tummy flora blooming again. 😁

Day 61

Day 61

As Katharine Hepburn liked to say, it’s not a good day to ask for details. 

It’s not a bad day and I did sleep well last night but these antibiotics are still wrecking havoc with my stomach. I ate my high protein breakfast and drank my water but have not done my 20 minutes of exercise yet. The two tasks Velma gave me for this week were to exercise and eat a healthy lunch for at least five days. I do plan on fitting the exercise in sometime today but I had cream of chicken soup for lunch. I don’t know how healthy that is but it sure felt good on my tummy. 

Day 60

I just finished my weekly session with my health advocate, Velma. I came to a lot of realizations in our 30 minute talk. 

1) I need to be more selfish because it can be a healthy thing. 

This surprisingly had to do with my sleep cycle because trying to follow Steve’s sleep schedule is killing me. I guess what’s good for the gander isn’t necessarily good for the goose. We go to bed at 8:30. Steve falls right to sleep. I sometimes don’t sleep until after midnight. Yet, when Steve wakes me up at 4:00, I think I’m expected to stay up. Yet, when I don’t lie back down and sleep, I don’t accomplish as much because I’m exhausted. I’m not helping Steve or myself by forcing myself to stay awake. 

This also effects other aspects of my life, like playing with my horses. A few weeks ago, a wise young friend asked me why I wasn’t working with my horses. I told her that it was too hot unless I get out there at daybreak and I can’t seem to do that with any consistency. She said, well what about in the evenings? I thought no because I have to be in bed by 8:00 or 8:30. But now I realize, I don’t! 

2) Stop being so hard on myself. I’m human, I will fail occasionally in meeting my goals but the key is to keep building up to consistency. 

3) I’m not 32. I’m having a hard time accepting this fact. I can’t get in shape or lose weight as quickly as I did thirty years ago. I can’t do as much physically and if I need to take breaks and rest during the day, that’s okay. The only one judging me for that is me. 

4) I need to give myself positive affirmations throughout the day to over ride negative thoughts. I had another tiny epiphany about this. There are a couple of. people from my past who constantly criticized me. Most things I did that were good were done trying to please them but I never could. Even if they complimented me, it usually felt like an insult. I’ve realized that their insults came from their own problems and had nothing to do with me but still, I hear their constant criticism in my head and it makes me always feel like a failure. Velma told me to stop that and start fighting those negative thoughts with positivity.

5) Finally, Velma told me that this was a process. I need to be patient. Im on the right track establishing healthy habits but realizing visual changes in my body will take time. The good news is, I want this change in myself. I want to rebuild myself into the person I want and need to be not what anyone else thinks I should be. It’s odd, I’m 62 but I feel like I’m finally growing up and discovering my self. 

Day 59

Two cheat days in a row. Last night we had pizza and a movie. We haven’t done that in a long time. It was fun and well worth those extra calories. I may not be so happy next time I weigh in but I’m back on the habit track this morning. I’ve drank my water and eaten(drank) my breakfast. I’ll do 20 minutes of exercise as soon as my breakfast settles. Then, I’ll try to fit in an hour of work before I have to take my next antibiotic and ruin the rest of my morning....just 8 more days. Lol