Day 115

We are baling hay again which always keeps me busy even though I rarely help out in the field these days.  Yesterday, was an off day for me as far as cooking goes so I used the time to make a dent in the mess that has accumulated in our house over the years. I scrubbed out some unused plastic storage bins that had been stored unused in the garage for years. I'm hoping, by the end of this long weekend, to use them when we finally get that garage cleaned out. I know that sounds counter productive to put them right back where they came from but they will be in use this time organizing all the other stuff that is cluttering up the garage. We haven't been able to use our garage as a garage for a long while but before it goes back to its intended purpose, I plan to use it as a staging area for prepping and painting furniture that needs a face lift.

I had intended to also get my tack cleaned up yesterday but I kept getting muscle spasms in my back that slowed me down. It's one of my major goals, in this year of change, to begin riding again. Thanks to some very sound advise from my friend, Ginny Irving, I'm no longer planning to dive in head first...or in this case, leap into the saddle blind. I'm going to start slowly with ground work to build trust and respect first. That will give me a chance to enhance not only the horse's confidence but my own. Sad that it's taken me twelve years of horse ownership to l learn this vital lesson but as my friend Huston would have said, I know it now so build on it and move forward. 

After a great week of exercising every day, I've missed two days this week and I'm not so certain I will manage to fit it in today. The emotional nosedive I went into after Velma graduated me is to blame for part of that but I need to get back to my original purpose of improving my life and health by establishing this habit. I have to admit, all of the soul searching and self analysis I've been doing over the last 115 days has led me to realize that my emotions and motivations are far more complicated than I'd first thought. I remember my friend Pamie saying that being in therapy was like peeling an onion, every layer you pull off just reveals another layer. The good news is, despite the fact that both the realization and change that results can sometimes be difficult and painful, I'm growing stronger in my new found self awareness and getting ever closer to my ultimate goal of  a better me, a better and more balanced life. I read a quote this morning, "When she wakes, she will move mountains!" I think I'm waking up.

Day 111

It's kind of a sad day for me. Miss Velma "graduated" me from our health coaching. If I'd known that my recent successes would lead to ending our relationship, I wouldn't have been so eager to tell her that I was keeping my food diary again, I'd exercised every day in the last week and I lost five and a half pounds. I was so proud of myself especially for being consistent with my exercise. Velma was proud of me, too but sadly, she told me that she thought I had this from now on. She did agree to call back in a month to check on me but I am still going to miss her. She gave me great advice and even better encouragement. It also helped having someone I felt accountable to. And I really liked Miss Velma.

One down, One to go!

Creative project

I had this pair of old canvas shoes and no amount of washing could get out the mud stains so I’m painting them. 

Joy, oh joy! I’m down two pounds this morning!!! Today’s workout will be a happy dance! 😁

Day 108

I did my 15 minutes of exercise yesterday. I plan to do that again as soon as I finish this post. That will be three days in a row. That my not sound like much but for two weeks I struggled with my new habits and I don’t think I had three days total. I could certainly do more than 15 minutes but I’m restricting myself to that until it is something I want to do instead of just what I’m requiring of myself. I know that will come with time and consistency. It’s that way with any habit once established, it becomes a part of your life and you miss it if you can’t do it for some reason. In our thirties, we were active and we always ate nutritious food. We lost all desire for junk food, the first thing we always ordered from the menu was a salad and we chose a lean entree because that’s what we desired. It was the same with exercise. Even when we traveled, I’d get up early to fit in a workout. If it was a vacation, we looked for active things to do. That’s why I believe in the power of habit, I’ve seen first hand how it can transform your life. On another note, I saw an interview by Jay Leno of a young man who purposely made himself fat and out of shape. He was a personal trainer and he said he wanted to see life from his clients perspective. He gained 75 pounds in six months by eating the same processed foods most Americans eat every day and by becoming a couch potato. What struck me most was how difficult the simplest tasks had become for him. He said he got out of breath just tying his shoes. I can relate to that, it can be torture bending over but I’d been blaming it on getting older. This young man’s describing his life after gaining weight sounded like me, an older woman, describing mine. I suddenly thought, maybe it’s not all about aging? It gives me new incentive to work out and eat a healthy diet when I realize that it can change my life in a positive way the same way being over weight and out of shape’s negative effects restrict me. If I keep these new habits going another day, another week and until they are an essential part of my life, who knows how great I can feel and be in a year?! I might be that person I remember whom I’ve kept locked away for years.

Day 107....Insomnia

The habits are my actions now. And since it’s my anniversary and easy to remember, I’m saying I started them on the 22nd, that’s yesterday-August 22 just in case you are reading this at a later date. 

It’s 9:00 AM and I’m just starting my day. No, that’s misleading. I started my day at 1:30 AM and I was feeling peppy at 3:00 AM when Steve got up. I should have done my exercise then but thought I’d do it after I ate breakfast which took an hour to get around to because I was checking email and FB. And once I’d eaten, I thought I should let my food settled for an hour so I wouldn’t get nauseous. Long story short, I fell asleep before that hour was up and woke up again thirty minutes ago. I just had my mid morning snack so I could drink a mug of coffee, can’t drink anything but water without food which is why I drink so much water. None of the things I had planned for this morning are done. Just getting up at my normal time of 5:00 AM, I had planned to exercise, shower, work/play with the horses, walk the dog, do two loads of laundry and be well on my way to having the kitchen clean and a bunch of vegetables, for eating raw, washed and cut up. Instead, I’m still in my pjs at 9:30 and Steve is coming home early because we are cutting hay again. 

The bottom line is, I need to stay asleep during the designated hours. I take melatonin which helps me to get to sleep but I seem to wake up around 1:00 every night. It is frustrating and I could list a variety of reasons, my irritating cough that no med seems to help, my cat that thinks I’m his bed and who doesn’t help the cough and my tiny bladder and the water I take the pills with that help lessen my coughing and help me to get to sleep. There is no easy answer so I think I should just start planning my day around my “new normal.” If I’m going to make up for those three lost hours by sleeping from six to nine every day, I’m going to have to say, my day starts at nine not five. The unproductive time is between one and three, which irks me but I still keep hoping to go back to sleep so I stay in bed. Maybe I can get up and do something and then go back to bed at five? Yeah, that would work. I’ll just turn the ringer off on my phone so no normal people will bother me. Lol😁

Well, I’ve done me well with the habits today!

❤️ I took my pills. 

❤️ I exercised for 18 minutes. 

❤️ I’ve brushed my teeth after every meal. 

❤️ I’ve journaled my diet. I’m 78 cal. under! 

❤️ I walked the dog and gave him his pills. 

❤️ I plan to go play with the horses after dinner. 

The only one I haven’t done is accomplish something on the house. I did change the bed sheets because the cat threw up on them. Wonder if that can count? Lol. Might just need to do two things tomorrow. 

There is one that no to add.

❤️ Start each day with gratitude and a prayer. 

Yes, Another Day 106 Post

I'm hoping that I'll look back on this day as the turning point. I've had good starts before and even though I've faltered, I have kept going. I do have that to be proud of. But my main concern and complaint is my very slow progress during this beginning of my journey. I'm a third of the way through this year of intent and change and in the beginning, I was expecting to make great, leaping strides.

Here is what I think though, change is hard and I have been becoming more self aware and more capable of that change. Even though the scale has not dropped dramatically and even though I'm not ready to run a marathon (as if that would ever happen) and even though I have made little progress on my house and am not much closer to finishing my studio space and getting back to work or finding time for those things that bring me joy, like playing with the horses, I still feel like I've made tremendous progress. The things I've discovered about myself by just journaling here are making it easier to let go of old, non productive and often hurtful habits and attitudes and to move forward in my life by replacing those bad things with good, healthy habits and a positive attitude.

And now, I need to start taking action to make my life better, to make me better. These new habits are a start and I'm feeling good about them. I've been worried about working them into my schedule and how the least interruption could throw that process off when I realized something, I don't really have a schedule. No, this person, who has over planned everything her entire life, has been living in mental and emotional chaos. I have to bring order back to my life and instead of fitting those new habits into my life, I need to build my life around them. This last 105 days have been about uprooting old, nasty habits, totally destroying them and torching them down. I've got to leave them in the past where they belong in order to create my new habits and life. So, now, I feel like I'm at the beginning of something and I feel it is going to be something big and exciting....and that something is my LIFE!

The Worst Decision of My Life

Day 106:

Day 106

Years ago, I made the worst decision of my life. I'd always been conscientious to the extreme especially where work ethic was concerned. I would never think of half doing a task and not finishing did not cross my mind. I would work seven days a week and often way past midnight and still get up and start again at 6:00 AM. True, my expectations of myself were unrealistic and eventually took their toll. Burn out is a horrible feeling. You feel like you've run head first into a stone wall. I couldn't even start much less finish an assignment. And that is when I made the decision that has affected my life since, I just quit. Yes, the task was a difficult one, maybe even impossible to finish in the time allotted, but I simply stopped and gave up. If I'm being honest, I was filled more with relief at that moment than regret. What made that the worst decision of my life? Giving up became an option. And after years of persevering during difficult tasks and events, it was so easy to just give in especially once I realized that the world would not end if I didn't finish or put in 100 percent effort. Despite that initial relief, I think I did realize I'd lost something essential that day. It's effects have snowballed over the years. I can blame my excess weight, my lack of physical fitness, the shape my home is in (it's a disaster), the fact I still haven't finished my studio and gotten back to work and even my depression and lack of interest in activities that use to bring me pleasure. I've become aware since starting this journal that realization is power and can bring about change. So, even though I have struggled at times, I am determined not to give in to that temptation to give up and quit. So, I keep working at these habits that may seem small now but as they become an established part of my life, they will grow and my awareness of myself will grow and the old habits and temptations will lose their power as I regain mine.

Day 106/action day 5

Back to those habits. I actually installed an app on my phone to keep on track. I’m reminded to:

1) keep my diet journal (I can tell the difference when I don’t do this accountability task.)

2) take my pills. I actually just bought a little box to keep track. 

3) give Bodie his supplements

4) walk Bodie. I don’t really have to be reminded of this but reminders keep me from putting this off until it’s late and I’m tired. 

5) exercise. I’m great at postponing this, another habit I need to break and another to set in stone. I’m starting with 15-17 minutes with weights three times a week. 

6) brush my teeth after EVERY meal. This one isn’t just for oral hygiene but also to signal that the meal is done. Keeps me from grazing. 

7) horses. Just horses for now. It means I’m going to move beyond just feeding and watering and start enjoying them again. Just horses because I’ll start with just grooming daily and work toward riding again. 

Eight) House. If I don’t write eight, I get an emoji in sunglasses 😎 lol.  Accomplish something everyday. It doesn’t matter how small. 

I will be adding other things soon but for now, it’s these eight. 

What got me back on track?....seeing myself in a full length mirror in the bathroom at the doctor’s office yesterday. I had a very sudden leap from denial to reality. 

Day 105/day 4 of actions:

Yesterday was slow even for a Monday. I had my coaching call from Velma. She did her best to reassure me that I’m making progress... even though I’m still struggling to accomplish my weekly goals. I didn’t do my 15 minutes of dance but I did do the weights and walked the dog. So, I guess that was my action for the day. Today, I’m driving a friend to an afternoon doctor’s appointment and taking her to lunch before. 

Honesty time, I really don’t mind helping my friend out. She no longer drives and I know it is difficult for her to find rides for her many appointments. I do however feel a bit used sometimes because I often feel she doesn’t try to find another ride because she likes the fact I take her out to eat. She did go several months without asking me to drive her but once she started asking again, it seems she can’t find a ride anywhere but with me. She’ll know about appointments at least a month ahead and still wait until the last minute to find someone to drive her. Then she calls me because she knows, no matter what else I have to do, I always say, yes. I discussed this with Velma and she told me that doing the occasional favor was okay but I’m not a taxi service and I need to start saying no, I have plans. I told her I’d tried that twice when we were putting up hay and she got upset so I ended up taking her anyway even though it put me in a terrible time pinch. She’s even wanted me to rearrange my appointments to accommodate hers. Like I said, there was a long period of time, several months, when she found another ride but I think that was because she realized I was getting frustrated. Now, she had me drive her last week when we were working in hay and then called the next day to ask me to drive her today saying she couldn’t get in touch with anyone else. Velma said I should just tell her no and if she gets upset, that’s her problem. I feel like a terrible person if I don’t help her but I also get frustrated that she doesn’t seem to care that I have other obligations, too. So, honesty time on your part, what do you all think I should do?

Day 104....day 3 of actions

Action: went hiking in the a.m. with Steve and Bodie. 

This was my first hike in two years! Last one was in 2017 before I started feeling sick and before I had surgery. To say this felt like a huge step is an understatement. It was one of those things, like riding my horses, that I’ve wanted to establish again in my life. Now we’re talking about making this a weekly thing. Yay, us!

Steve and Bodie on the trail this morning. 

Day 103....day 2 of actions...

15 minutes of aerobics 

Action 01

Day 102, Friday, August 17, 2018:

Yes, I went back and counted. 😁

Action: washed the dog and started him on supplements to help is skin. 

Excuses

Day 100 and ?

I haven’t over eaten. I’ve been busy. I haven’t been sleeping well. 

But....I haven’t exercised in a week, I haven’t been tracking my diet and I’ve eaten food I know I shouldn’t. 

And.....I have no excuses. 

The truth is, despite all that talk about bending like a willow, when life got tough, demanding and stressful, I fell back into those old habits I’ve been trying to break. I ate for comfort, I mismanaged my time and found every possible opportunity to crawl into my Hobbit hole and hide in the darkness. That’s my pattern, that’s my habit; I literally curl up in a dark room and hide...and usually eat. I’ve never admitted that before because to me, it reflects as the very worse criticism of myself. I could go into the reasons why I feel that way or list even more to explain why I find comfort in it but the most relevant fact is that, no matter how established it is, it is just another habit. It is a habit that I find comfort in but it certainly doesn’t make me happy. It also is not a solution. What it is is easy. Really, if I get right down to its roots, it’s giving up. Why fight my problems if I can just hide from them?

That is what makes this habit so easy to fall into, it is familiar, it is comforting, it feels safe. The healthy habits I’ve been trying so hard to establish are not easy, they do not enclose me in comfort or safety. Quite the contrary, they make me feel raw, vulnerable and exposed at times especially when I’m sharing like this. True, in reality, they are better for me, they promise positive change in my life, they empower me, they nourish me both physically and emotionally and help me to grow but they are also difficult, at least at first, and even painful and scary. 

My therapist, Tamala, read a quote to me during our last session, “Action does not necessarily bring happiness but there is no happiness without action.” It is too easy to fall back into the comfortable and familiar but there is absolutely nothing positive about inaction. Sure it gives instant gratification but there is no future in it, quite literally. Taking action is living. It’s growing, getting stronger, overcoming obstacles, finding solutions and always moving forward. It is also difficult, scary, painful. It takes courage. It takes strength and resolve to break loose from those old familiar and comfortable habits that are holding us back. 

I could list excuses as to why I slipped back into hiding away from my problems and nourishing them with junk food but all that is is an explanation of how my problems became so overwhelming in the first place. I’ve been feeding them, helping them to grow and become larger and stronger than me while I hid from them. Taking action is the first blow that will knock them down a bit. Each step forward will cause them to shrink a little more and their grip on me will lessen. There isn’t an easy answer nor a quick one but each action will also make me stronger and eventually, I will find more comfort in the action than I once found in the inaction. 

I’m going to plot a new course. I have admitted to being an over thinker and over planner. I expect to make an immense amount of progress in each day and when I don’t meet that goal, even my progress feels like failure. So, here is the new plan: I will make ONE positive action a day. Any progress beyond that will be bonus. The planned goals aren’t working because, if for some reason I don’t meet them, I feel like I’m stepping backwards and that makes that small failure seem immense. It becomes easy to use the excuse, I missed doing that yesterday so there’s no way I’m going to meet that five days this week goal so might as well let it slide today, too. My solution, have some positive action as my only goal so even small progress will feel like a huge success. 

Velma, my health coach, told me she was proud of me for all of the self discovery I’ve made over the last two months. This journal has been of great help to me as a source of introspection. I think however, I’ve been in self denial when it came to the source of my problems. I can examine cause, I can make excuses from now until judgement day but I and my comfortable habits have been the major problem. And, when I put strict restrictions on myself, I’m really just making it easier to fall back into that old excuse for doing nothing and calling it a solution. For now, my goal for the next seven days is, an action a day. Hopefully, I’ll accomplish more than that but as long as I’m checking off that one action each day, I’ll feel like a success.

Postscript...

I posted the following in response to many kind and supportive comments I received on today's post where I'd said I was disappointed in myself:
Thank you all for the support. I am struggling but change is hard and I think I've learned a lot especially about myself over the last month. Sometimes the hardest part is changing your own mind. I'm sorting out what isn't working in my life but it's hard to let go of those old habits and attitudes. This hasn't been a great month for weight loss but I think I have grown tremendously. I'm not giving up. And I'm aware that this probably won't be the only rough patch on this journey but I'm trying to make long term changes in my health and life. My therapist read me a quote this week, "Action doesn't necessarily lead to happiness but there is no happiness without action." She also gave me home work. lol She wants me to take action over the next month and accomplish ONE goal. That ONE part is going to be the hardest for me because the goal I'm thinking of is going to have a lot of small steps or goals that I'll need to do to get to the big goal. I don't know if that's actually following the rules of the assignment or not. haha

Day 99

I'm struggling lately. I can make excuses. We are cutting hay again. That always seems to throw any schedule or habit I'm trying to establish off track. I've had a lot of obligations to friends who need help, rides etc. I tried to make up for three days without exercise by doing a hundred squats on Sunday and then, I drove the old tractor all afternoon while we picked weeds out of the hay. That means a lot of stop and go with brakes I have to stand on to get them to work. In other words, my legs felt like jelly and hurt all day Monday. I'm behind on everything and in addition to the hay, I have two appointments of my own this week and one I'm driving a friend to and food to buy and prepare for the hay crew. So, just a typical week around here but what I haven't done is exercise or kept my food diary. What I have done is indulged in junk food and fatty take out and just plain over ate. I know this is just a bump in the road and I will get back on schedule and back on track but I am so disappointed in myself.

Day 97

Back on the exercise bandwagon. 

15 minutes aerobics 

100squats

Weights with arms

Yay, me!

Of course we are having hamburgers for lunch but as long as I’m getting lots of veggies, too, I’m calling it fair play. 😁

When I was young, I thought nostalgia was a good thing. As kids, my siblings and I were always asking Mama about “the good old days.”  Now, when I think back to simpler, happier times, I feel a pain that’s almost grief like. Sure we had problems then but they were small and easily dismissed because we thought we had our whole lives to fix them. We were still excited about life and our futures and anything seemed possible. It seems that the last six years of my life have been more about endings than beginnings. It’s a time in life when you have to face consequences because they are upon us. We look back not only with nostalgia but asking ourselves those questions, why didn’t I (exercise more and eat less, save more money, ever start a family, spend more time with someone who’s now gone, take that trip, go back to school, fix that when it broke, take that chance)?  Part of maturing is realizing and ACCEPTING that some things can’t be changed and then, letting go. I think I would accomplish more now if I could stop looking back with nostalgia. I also think that some of those regrets, those “why didn’t I?s” can be corrected now. It’s a lot like the Serenity prayer, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. 

Day 96

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the past few days. I haven’t done at all well with my good habit establishing and I’ve fallen back into some of those bad habits I want to break. Why the struggle? I could say it’s because I’m not sleeping well but last night, I took a new med to stop my coughing (it worked!) and I slept too well. So this day is off to a slow start. It’s easy to say, I don’t have time to exercise. It’s just as easy to fall back into the excuse for a major bad habit, it’s late so I’m not going to get what I had planned for the day done so I might as well binge on another episode of that TV show...which leads to, I’ve already blown the diet so a bag of chips won’t make it any worse. Illogical as those excuses sound, I’ve used them for years to avoid facing my day and the monumental tasks I set for myself.  A friend told me a few months ago that I was a perfectionist. That flabbergasted me....only word to describe my amazement and disbelief. Me, a perfectionist? My entire life is a mess, a total wreck, there’s no way! But, she was right. My life is a mess because I’m a perfectionist. If I know I can’t do something perfectly right, I don’t try doing it at all. I would perceive both not doing it and half doing it as failures and all those failures piled up to the monumental mess that is my life, is me. Don’t rag on me for being too hard on myself because the truth is the truth. BUT, this mess is only insurmountable because I keep refusing to start when I know the results will not be perfect. Can you imagine how exhausting that is? It’s no wonder I want to sit around all day long. Awareness, however, is a powerful tool. When I suddenly become aware of the fact that being a perfectionist is not a virtue but is actually a fault, my goals change and my dreams become achievable and I become energized and empowered. So, today,  I’ve learned, perfection is impossible and seeking perfection in myself and my life made my goals impossible. So let’s reassess my goals:

House: I envisioned a magazine worthy home with everything arranged and designed in perfect symmetry. My new goal, to make a livable house that is organized but comfortable and welcoming. It will be a house that reflects who I am rather than who I want people to see. 

Me, my body: Yes, I wanted perfection here, too. I kept saying that I wanted to lose weight so I could live a healthier and more active life well into those golden years but I really wanted to look good in my clothes again...and I really wanted to look thirty something not sixty something. 

My work: Why do I keep putting off getting back to work despite the fact that it brings me great pleasure? Because I’m afraid of failure. Honestly, we need the money that second income would generate but I’m afraid my work won’t sell. I keep hearing my sister saying, “Poor Steve; not many men would put up with a woman like you. Most men expect their wives to work at a job that actually makes money so they don’t have to work so hard. Steve has to work so hard because you won’t. Your work sold in the past but that’s the past and no one is going to buy it now. You need to get a real job. “ Yes, her words hurt me...and they were repeated often...but they also made me feel shame because whatever I was trying to do at the time wasn’t generating enough money.  So I end up not doing anything. I’ve been afraid she was right. Now, I think of what Huston said to me, “Things can just as easily turn out good as bad and how can you know which it will be if you don’t try?” He also said, he had faith in me. It’s time I listened to him and have faith in myself. If I take action instead of being petrified by the fear of failure, I will achieve something. That won’t be perfection, it most likely won’t be a huge landfall of income but it will be more than I have and more than I am than the nothing I have when I don’t try. And that doesn’t just apply to my job but everything I want to be and achieve in my life. 

I’m going to start taking forskolin. It’s a medicinal herb that supports a healthy cardiovascular system and helps to maintain normal blood pressure levels.  There is an added benefit, when you’re trying to lose weight, it makes you burn fat instead of muscle. Yay!

Day 94

https://www.facebook.com/spotlightstoriesofficial/videos/1656664837698665/

Day 94

This is a video of Sandra Bullock reacting to criticism. Such a lovely woman. I let other’s criticism shape me for years but like Sandra, I’m learning to choose another view of the world, life and myself. It’s taken me a long time to realize that those who criticize others, have issues, problems and faults far greater than those they find in others. It’s taken me a long time to realize that their opinion of me does not have to be my opinion of me or my truth. It’s taken me a long time but I’ve taken back my power and I realize no one shapes my life, my future, myself but me and no ones opinion of me matters a smidge compared to my opinion of myself. I know me, I know my truth and now, is the time to live that truth.

Day 93

Not much time this morning. I only have about two hours in the sleep column for last night. I’m visiting a friend today and I’m already running late. I haven’t had breakfast yet but I did fit in ten minutes of aerobics and my weights. Today was measuring day and I was down an inch and a quarter in my waistband half an inch in my hips. Oddly, I was up a quarter inch in my thighs; maybe it’s the squats and aerobics? Whatever the reason, I’m okay with it...for now. 😊

So, I’m down a little over nine pounds on day 92. Considering that I haven’t really been trying to lose weight, I’m very pleased with those nine pounds. It may seem slow to some but as long as I’m moving in the right direction and establishing healthy habits, I’m okay with it. I started keeping my food diary again today. I started exercising first thing in the morning again yesterday. Now, I’m trying to set those habits in stone. Sure I’m just starting again which leaves me twenty days to go but look how far I’ve already come. 😊

Oh....and down two more pounds this morning!😁

Day 91

16 ounces of water.........👍check

15 minutes aerobics.......👍check

High protein breakfast...👍check

Day 90:

Weights/day 2 this week

Squats/5 sets of 10

15 min. Aerobic activity

Day 90

Technically, I’m three months in. 

Have I accomplished everything I’d hope to do by this point? Not even close. 

Am I still proud of everything I have done in 90 days? Absolutely!

No, I haven’t lost the unrealistic amount of weight that I, in the beginning, hoped to lose by this point but I’ve lost 7 pounds and multiple inches. And I’m eating healthier, thinking about what I’m eating and why I’m eating. Consequently, I’m eating less often and more aware of when I’m actually hungry and when I’m full. I still enjoy good food and I haven’t restricted myself from occasional indulgences but I’m enjoying my food more and I’m aware of all the sensations of eating something I enjoy and not just mindlessly shoving food in my mouth.

The weight is not falling off but the numbers on my scale are steadily declining. I know I’m not to the point where others can see the changes in my body but I see them. I feel lighter and usually more energetic. But I’m listening to my body and if it signals me I need to rest, I rest. 

I’ve always felt like I need to be on a strict, regimented schedule to make anything work including a diet. That appeared to work when I was younger but it also usually led to burnout. It may have taken weeks, months or even years but eventually, I reached the point when I said, I just can’t do this anymore. Since I started this journal ninety days ago, I’ve been striving to establish habits. I’ve become frustrated when unexpected events, obligations and illness seemed to throw off those efforts.  I kept saying to myself, start again from zero but now, I realize, I wasn’t starting over from scratch. I was simply continuing on my journey after a brief diversion. I’m learning finally to be flexible. I’m realizing that the absolute balance I’ve always desired isn’t necessarily the answer. Rather, I want to simulate the Willow tree. It gracefully bends in the wind but remains strong and rooted. I’ve noticed that you rarely if ever see an uprooted willow after a storm but you see plenty of those strong but inflexible oaks. From here on out, I aspire to be a willow. 

Day 89

We were planning to go hiking today but woke up to find Bodie with a severely swollen neck. Steve later admitted that something had either bitten or stung Bodie while I was feeding the horses and Steve was walking Bo. I knew something was wrong last night when Bodie refused a treat. Steve said he was too full but Bodie never gets full. This is how it looks now after several Benadryl. It’s gradually getting better and he’s eating fine now. 

Day 87

I’m feeling much better today. Even though I’ve been awake since 3AM, I’ve had a slow start to my day. I did fit in those 5lb weights for my arms. It proved to be much more difficult than I thought to do 3 sets of 10 with some of the lifts. The curls were easier so those muscles must be some I use a lot. I also did an over head lift which wasn’t hard until the last set and side lifts that were hard with only the second set. That tells me two things, I need a lot more work with those muscles and maybe getting started, I should drop down to 2.5lb weights. You are suppose to skip a day with weights so I’ll be doing this again on Sunday. And now I’m off to clean my kitchen before I leave to have lunch with friends. Hoping all of you have a great weekend!

Day 86

This has not been my week. 

Monday, I almost pass out while the vet is floating Mouse’s teeth and no, it wasn’t a reaction to the dental drill. 

Tuesday started great and then Danny stepped on me and ground my little toe into the dirt. Monday was spent being sick and Tuesday, with my foot wrapped with ice. 

Wednesday, I had on again-off again stomach problems which I blamed on a suspicious meatball I’d eaten the previous afternoon. I couldn’t remember when I made the meatball but my questions about it’s freshness were answered last night. I was sick all night long. Finally found some medicine to check it early this morning and have managed to grab a few hours sleep. Although, I have to say.....

Thursday’s prospects are not looking so hot. Forget my planned trip to visit my friend, Jane. She just had surgery so she doesn’t need me around just in case I’m wrong about this being food poisoning. Also, I don’t really feel up to driving anywhere so there goes errands I thought I might do after visiting her. In fact, I don’t really think this will be a very productive day since I’m still tired and my stomach feels like someone used it for a punching bag. Unless I improve drastically, I doubt I will complete my exercise goals for today. But that’s okay. This will pass and I still have what I hope will be an uneventful Friday to look forward to. 

And I’ve learned a valuable lesson, never eat anything when you have no idea how old it is. It may look fine but it could be masking its age like a movie star. 

Day85

Just had my weekly coaching call from Velma. I was happy to give her a good report even though I’ve had many interruptions, unexpected events and distractions this past week. I still haven’t established that exercise habit which means it was much to easy to let that slide but despite that, I lost a pound of weight and two inches off my waist, one inch from my hips and nearly two inches from my stomach. And I was more active even though not with intentional exercise. My goal for the next week is just to do 10-15 minutes of exercise for at least five days and do free weights for 3sets of ten with each exercise for three alternating days. That doesn’t sound like much but I’m really starting from zero again.