November 27, 2021

Medical friends, a question. I know I’m an impatient patient but where should I be 18 days post surgery? I’ve done more today. I’ve been sorting closets and laundry. I’m changing out summer and winter clothes and packing up stuff for KARM. I will work in spurts and then lie down. I was told at the urologist (the one who did the emergency surgery) that, until the stint is out in Feb. , I will have pain and bleeding with movement. I’ve had that today but I just don’t know how far to push it. I’m resting right now but I know I need to move as much as possible. I guess what I’m asking is do you think I’m doing too much? It’s so hard to know what’s normal. I know I have restrictions: I can’t lift hardly anything for three more weeks, after that, it’s under 20 pounds until Feb., no exercise other than some walking. I’m just so bad at sorting out between lying around and doing too much. I’m a terrible patient. 

 November 27, 2021

For several days, my emotions have been fluctuating and I’ve been fighting off depression. We did have a wonderful Thanksgiving with family. I was crying before we left the house and then spent the rest of the day laughing and talking. It was good medicine.

Yesterday, the depression got worse. It wasn’t until last night that I realized what was going on. I’d thought it was the result of the unexpected surgery and the long, forced recovery period but once I realized what was really bothering me, the depression faded away. My appointment with Dr. Saunders is on Tuesday and we will discuss prognosis and treatment. The way I’ve been feeling, the anxiety, the depression and the revolving door of emotions, it’s all got to do with that appointment. Yes, I am ready to get all of these delays over with but I still dread hearing my diagnosis. It’s like when I made the mistake of googling my type of cancer and I saw that low survival rate. Yes, as Dr. Hahn said, gross statistics mean little to individual patients. Yes, those numbers are based on many people with much more advanced cancer. Yes, I still have faith and truly feel in my heart that I will survive this and God has plans for me beyond it. BUT seeing that number, reading those words felt like someone hit me on the head with a sledgehammer and drove my usually positive spirit down low, very low. Tuesday, it feels like I’m getting sentenced and part of me is still afraid it will be a death penalty. But realizing and admitting to those fears actually eased my anxiety. I’m much better today. I’m still moving slowly and working in short spurts but I am doing more than lying around. I still have faith and I still feel the love of God around me. And I still feel, no matter what words I hear on Tuesday, I will be okay.

 September 4, 2021

Our morning walk. Appreciating the beauty around us.

September 3, 2021

Okay, got some worrisome news today. You may recall my doctor being concerned about my kidney function. He wanted me to super hydrate for two weeks and then have a series of tests run today. My ultrasound showed a severely swollen right kidney. There is something blocking the kidney or the urinary tract but they don’t think it’s a stone. I’ll get the results of blood tests tomorrow and I’m supposed to consult with a urologist next week. Yes, I have to admit this threw me for a loop especially seeing the concern on my doctor’s face as he viewed the images but I’m trying not to worry until I actually know what’s going on. The silver lining to this, it gives a reason for so many off and on symptoms I’ve dealt with for a long time. I’ve felt so guilty for long time periods that I got little done because I felt so bad. I’ve never felt it was sickness unless I was throwing up or felt near death. I thought I was just a failure when I gave in to fatigue and pain. So, now, knowing there is a cause, I have hope to actually feeling better and being more consistent with my energy levels. So, that’s what I’m choosing to focus on. Still, I’d appreciate your prayers and good vibes.

 

 September 2, 2021

Below is what I posted on this day. Sadly, I was going to find out how very wrong my oncologist was within two weeks.

I had my six month check up at the oncologist today. Everything was fine and next check up will make five years. That means one more six month check and then it’s just once a year! Yay!