Day 137

So sorry for another lengthy silence. I have to report to Velma tomorrow and although I always enjoy talking to her, I haven’t had a lot of success this week. I have lost over two pounds but not by any effort I can lay claim to. My gut is bothering me.  I know I must sound like a major hypochondriac. It seems all I’ve done for the last three months is complain about one ailment or the other but this current  gripe has a cause that points out the importance of a healthy and balanced diet. A few weeks ago, we attended a family reunion. We were asked to bring soft drinks. No one drank the soft drinks. Steve doesn’t drink them either so, I felt it my duty not to waste them. Really only half joking there because that was my reasoning but honestly, I love them. But as my husband pointed out, it would have been better to have lost the few dollars they cost than the time consumed by the ailments that followed their consumption. I was soldiering through the pain for the most part but still getting little done because of the fatigue that accompanied it. Today, the pain is worse and constant and feels like my gut is attacking me. All because I drank all of that Diet Dr Pepper two weeks ago. I hardly think it was worth it. 

There are so many things I want to change in my life and I’m finally making progress. A friend and I were talking about things we need or want to do. We both were talking how we either don’t have enough money or don’t have the time to accomplish much but usually don’t have either. Well, I’ve figured out a way to finance some of my plans and that is encouraging me to move forward. I’m kind of excited. 

Day 132

I exercised this morning and walked the dog, too. Had an early appointment and went to the grocery store. I picked up healthy foods. Then I got home at 3:30 and have done nothing since. I’m just dragging, still a little down but moving forward even if I am limping along.

Encouraged

My talk with Velma, my health coach, went so well. She said she wasn’t at all disappointed in me and that the only failure after a fall is if you don’t get back up. She’s going to stick around and help me get back on track. I am much more encouraged!

Self Analysis

My friend, Sharon (we knew each other as teenagers) was offering me encouragement after my last dismal post and in responding to her, I realized why I'm so down today. My health coach, Velma, who graduated me from the program after I successfully reached my goals, is calling for a one month check in today. I know my report will disappoint her, it disappoints me. I couldn't help hurting my back....okay, maybe if I'd shown a little common sense and restraint, I could have but I couldn't help how it effected my life. I'm lucky, all traces of pain have gone now so it must have been a muscle strain and not something more serious and long lasting. I do realize that I'm starting over from scratch trying to establish these healthy habits again and that I fell back into some unhealthy ones like comforting myself with food and TV. So, it is a fact that most of what I perceive as my failure was unavoidable BUT that still does not negate the fact that I have taken a major slide back in my progress and I have nothing else to report but that I'm still trying to get back on track. Honestly, I think Velma will understand and that she may be disappointed for me but never disappointed in me but I am disappointed in myself. A friend pointed out a short while ago that I over think every thing. I do. I've always done that. Sometimes it is helpful, I think the things I've learned about myself over the last four months are very helpful and they came from a lot of self analysis. But you can't look that closely at something and not find a few flaws and scars that you would like to ignore. This day is not a good one for contemplation but that is what I've done. It started with me feeling dismissed from someone who has done that a lot in our lives. It shouldn't bother me, I know it's his problems and not my own ( and NO, it is certainly not Steve. He would never dismiss me and he would never be allowed to. lol) What I was ignored over was a minor thing but it just brought up all of that insecurity that this treatment creates on a day when I'm already swimming in insecurity. I'm literally not a strong swimmer but in this metaphorical sense, I'm kind of drowning here. So, I truly love you all and all of the encouragement and love you show to me but it might be best to ignore me today. It's not that I don't need your friendship, I certainly do. It's because we all need the occasional day to wallow in it and this is mine and it will pass and I will survive.

Day 131, dealing with envy

I’m not so dense that I don’t know what a struggle it is to establish new habits or what a grip the habits have that you are trying to banish. But, I am in a fight with myself right now. I’m fighting with myself not to become discouraged and to keep working on growing me and my life into the best it can be. I realize I’m fighting against a good thing but it’s too easy to say this battle is too hard, I concede. Why is it so hard to change as you grow older? I think there are several reasons. Those old habits are comfortable and well established. Change is scary at any time and painful but especially when you’ve settled into your life even if it’s not as good as you want. We’ve already fought many battles and we feel like we’ve paid our dues. But, I think the major reason change is hard for me is, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve fought so long to change my life and again and again lost by choosing the wrong tools and wrong path. I’ve been held back by circumstances beyond my control and instead of finding a way to go around them when I couldn’t defeat them, I either continued a fight that was not winnable or gave in and gave up. Still, I keep fighting now even though I sometimes feel like I’m beat up and scarred beyond even my own recognition. I will make a confession here and it’s one that doesn’t paint a pretty picture of me even though it is probably just being human, I have become a bit resentful and jealous. I never was when I was younger but then, there was a time, when good fortune and happiness seemed drawn to me. I didn’t really need to put in much effort. Now, those things are elusive goals and the work needed to get there seems overwhelming and sometimes beyond my ability. So, when I see others who appear to have it all together and when they also happen to be people who have been or still are mean to me (and yes, I do realize how childish that sounds), I resent them. I become jealous. I don’t like feeling that way and when I do, it’s a drain on that emotional strength I need to succeed at my current goals. It also makes my current life seem even worse in comparison which is also draining and discouraging. I could delve into the deeper psychology at work here, both my own and others, but instead, I’ll say that awareness is the strongest tool. Recognizing and accepting how I honestly feel and becoming aware of why I feel this way can actually be energizing. I don’t have to give in and I certainly don’t have to give up. I do have to remain focused on my goals and avoid making comparisons between my life and others. So, I will become a bit selfish and self centered. I will put all of my attention on me so that I can see the details and small triumphs and build on those. I will not let myself be dragged down by past failures and mistakes. I will not let myself be distracted by how much needs to be done. I will focus on now, I will focus on this day.  I will stop projecting into the future and I will stop grasping at the past. I will try to be a success in this moment, in this day, in this place. And I will stay focused on my own triumphs, however small, and not compare them to someone else’s. 

Day 129

It takes 21-29 days to establish a habit and the length of time depends on what expert you ask. I’m on day 2 and as with most day twos, I’m resisting a bit. I blame my lack of morning motivation on my sporadic sleep. If someone were to ask if I’m a morning, afternoon or nighttime person, I’d have to say none of the above. I’m tired all of the time. We’ve talked a lot about finding our joy again. Well that’s nearly impossible when you feel miserable and it seems to take all of your energy to function. It effects every aspect of your life, especially your mood. It’s true, action is the key to happiness but action is difficult when all you want to do is sleep. And when sleep is elusive, it is so difficult to stop chasing it. I spend most of my morning trying to get back to sleep. I’m going to try a new tact, pushing through and doing things I don’t really feel like doing. I will be happier accomplishing something and maybe I’ll push myself to the point of exhaustion where I can’t help but sleep.... and then sleep oblivious to whining dogs, scratching cats and a husband moving around and playing his radio in the next room. 

This is an article from MyFitnessPal that I found interesting. 

The #1 Habit You Should Have to Lose Weight

 BY COACH Steve

A while back, a few of my colleagues and I decided to write down every single weight-loss habit we have ever used ourselves or with our clients. In four days, we had listed 167 of them. That’s a lot. Recently I asked those 50 coaches to look at the list again and pick the one habit you should have to lose fat easily.

And it wasn’t on the list.

To be fair, a habit is sort of nebulously defined. I think we can all agree that a habit is anything you do regularly, but according to the definition we use in psychology, a habit also needs to be done automatically — as in, without really thinking about it. Which is why identifying habits by yourself is so hard. How can you think about the stuff that you don’t have to think about?

Which is probably why we missed this habit. And it’s exactly why this habit is so important for fat loss.

You see, all habits need a trigger — a little reminder that says, “Hey, you should do this action now.” They also need a reward — a little reminder that what you just did was a good thing. But these are really hard to identify by yourself because they happen below our level of consciousness. It’s really hard to remember new triggers, and it’s hard to remember to reward yourself. Habits are hard. But this is the one habit that makes all the other 167 habits on our list easy. As a result, we decided that The Number 1 Habit You Should Have to Lose Weight (™) is:

FINDING PEOPLE TO SHARE YOUR JOURNEY

Permanent lifestyle changes happen in relationships. Whether they take place with peers, a coach, family, friends, coworkers, the other anonymous people at the meetings or the other new recruits who joined the Marine Corps with you, new habits happen when people get together and help each other

Finding your own triggers are hard. Seeing other people’s is easy. Remembering to tell yourself, “Great job!” is hard. Remembering to tell other people is easy. Figuring out how to work new foods, new activities, and new steps into your own life is hard. Watching and learning from a whole bunch of other people like you who are trying to get to the same place you are is just so much easier! Even my colleagues, habit experts all, needed each others’ help to figure this problem out.

Day 128

Okay, I decided not to start at day one but instead to forget the last two miserable weeks. I woke up virtually pain free today and I did sleep for most of the night. I have great plans today, I’m hoping to make progress on my decluttering and I want to start my habits again. I drank my water first thing, that’s habit one. I added a cup of green tea, that’s a new habit. I intend to start my food diary and exercise again after I finish writing this journal entry, those will be restarts on habits two and three. I brushed right after breakfast, habit four, and added a new habit to establish, flossing after every meal. I planned out what I hope to accomplish today and wrote down my gratitudes. I guess that’s a new habit, too. Basically, I’m restarting and refreshing my life and getting back to the basics of listing my accomplished habits here so I’m accountable to all of you as well as myself. 

I truly appreciate all of the input I received concerning my restart of this journey. I learned a lot from all of you. When I started this journal, I was reticent about revealing what I saw as my shortcomings and failures. I’d neglected so many parts of my life. Both my home and my body had fallen into disrepair. I’d stopped enjoying the things that once brought me pleasure. I’d embraced grief and sorrow and rejected joy. I’d given up. But really, I hadn’t. I’d been trying to change my circumstances and gain at least a semblance of control over my life for years; I was just going about it in the wrong way. I’ve learned a lot over the past four months. I’ve gained new perspective and I know how to proceed now in a way that brings progress. I have been making progress! I’ve taken action and I’m starting to feel in control of my own life again. I’ve learned a lot from each of you and I’ve discovered so much about myself. One thing I just realized is the last ten or so years were not a total loss. I kept trying and I was gaining knowledge with each try. Also, I don’t think I was ready to reach my goals until now. I think the years of struggle have brought me to a place where my work will be better, I’ll be a better artist for my gained experience and perspective. My home will eventually be repaired and the design will be better than it would have been ten years ago because I know myself better. What I mean by that is I’ll style my home to my needs and tastes not copy anyone by following the latest, fleeting trends and not trying to impress anyone but myself. I think I have a clearer understanding of what I need to do to improve my body and health, which I’m discovering is different than what It would have been two years ago much less ten or fifteen. I think I will now approach riding and working with my horses with new knowledge and understanding. I simply think this is the right time for me to be embracing all of these changes because this is when I’m ready for change. I looked at myself as being weak, as being a failure, feeling as if I’d fallen from grace for so many years. But now I see myself as a fighter who was badly beaten but never gave up and who was just assembling an arsenal to win this battle called life. 

Day One Again?

I need your help with a decision. I feel I’ve made tremendous progress in the past 100 plus days. I’ve made major strides in self awareness and insight into why I behave the way I do. I think, with the discovery of the power of habits, I’ve finally found the key to making this work and gaining the life I want to have. I finally felt I was getting a handle on my life, discarding what I didn’t need and uncovering the joy I’d lost. My triumphs have been small but they felt like major strides in rebuilding my self esteem, my sense of self, my purpose. I was really beginning to feel good about myself. I was beginning to have hope again, hope and belief that I could have my life back. Then, I hurt my back, I stopped sleeping and it felt like this tenuous platform I’d started building began to crumble and fall.  It’s been three weeks of feeling like I’m treading water and slowly sinking down under the flood. I keep grasping at those habits but they’ve drifted farther away. I’m now back at zero. I’m not wanting to give up; I’m wanting to start over. 

So help me decide.  I could keep struggling at day one hundred and what ever this is or I can start fresh today at day one. I know I’ll have an advantage with the knowledge I’ve already gained but I feel like that will just give me a better sense of direction, kind of a jumpstart. So, please weigh in with your opinions. Am I giving in to a few minor hurdles or am I just regrouping so my next steps, my next building blocks are sturdier, surer and less likely to send me tumbling down? Enough yes votes and this will be my fresh start, day one on my year of change, progress, purpose. 

An Airbrushed Life

Sometimes, I truly think nothing happens by accident. Lately, my primary goal has been to take action every day but this has been a very inactive day. As I said in a previous post, I haven’t felt well. So, around 2:00, I decided to give in, take some aspirin and lie down. I rented a movie I’ve been wanting to see for months, Book Club. 

The plot of the movie revolves around four old female friends, with the emphasis on old. Even though the characters are a few years older than us, I was very much reminded of three good friends of mine whom I often get together with to talk and share laughter and tears. I was also struck by the similarities between these characters’ insecurities about their aging bodies and my own. 

I was talking with a friend just yesterday about how we hide behind make up or at least I do. The only person to see me with out makeup on purpose is Steve and oddly (to me), he prefers me that way. I was thinking today as I watched this movie, how we try to disguise our true selves especially as we age. I know that advertising and fashion mags are responsible for a lot of this because they show us an impossible ideal. Impossible because those models in the photos aren’t perfect either. They are all airbrushed. I heard one of the most famous swim suit models say that she’d frequently been ridiculed on the beach because beneath the airbrushed image was a normal and flawed woman with stretch marks and cellulite. Yet, most of us spend a large portion of our lives not only attempting to cover our flaws but really trying to be someone other than who we are. Even in our homes, in our lives, most of us try to live up to society’s ideal. But, here’s the thing...if I think back to the most beautiful and striking women I’ve known in my life, none of them have been perfect and most were far from that physical ideal and yet, they were breathtaking. Why?...because they knew themselves, they respected and admired who they were and they reveled in their uniqueness never wanting to possess sameness or look or be anyone other than who they were. Sadly, I think most people want what they think is expected of them and life. It takes bravery to embrace your uniqueness and flaunt it. It takes strength to show your true self to the world sans cover or airbrushing.

Day 127

I hate being a whiner but I don’t feel at all well today. I was up most of the night again with the back ache again and I’m still hurting today. All of my new, healthy habits have fallen by the wayside along with any efforts towards cleaning out of the clutter. I’m beginning to suspect this isn’t a muscular problem and perhaps the beginning of a kidney infection. I feel totally wiped out and I hurt all over. I just made an appointment for Steve’s six month doctors check up and was thinking maybe I should make one for myself. I always think though that by the time any test come back, I’ll already be over it. Thank goodness dinner is already done. I think I’ll go take some aspirin and lie down. 

Healthy lunch!....then there was dessert. 🙄

Day 126

I don’t think I’m the only post 60 who worries about their hit and miss memory. This morning I had something happen that gave me a lot of reassurance. Every day, I work one sudoku in an attempt to keep my aging mind sharp. The app I have on my phone has a daily challenge. Usually these are rated medium to hard in difficulty with maybe one easy one a month. You aren’t told the difficulty level until after you solve the game and sometimes, it’s hard to tell medium and hard apart. But, for the first time, I was shocked to see that the game I’d just finished was rated as expert. I’d never attempted an expert game before. I first solved it around 1AM when I couldn’t sleep. I hate when I’m up half or all of the night and then finally get sleepy at 7AM because even if I sleep for only two or three hours, I feel groggy when I wake and it throws off my day. That was what happened today and in a little over an hour since waking up, ive only managed to have breakfast, dress and take the dog out. My brain just didn’t want to wake up. So I decided to attempt that expert sudoku again. For some reason, I’d paid very close attention to the lower left hand corner. It supplied me with three of the nine numbers, 6-3-8, and without hesitation, I filled in the other 6 numbers. I’m not bragging; I’m just shocked that I actually remembered the location of those numbers. So, I can NEVER remember anyone’s name. I’ve embarrassed myself many times because of this. Just this past Sunday, I was telling a story about a very good friend from my past, someone I was extremely close with, and Steve, who’d never actually met her, had to remind me of her name! That’s both embarrassing and worrisome. But, if I can remember the order of a block of numbers from over eight hours ago, I think I can stop worrying so much.

Day 125

I know I’ve been silent for the last week. I’m usually so loquacious that a week mute must be a record but I have been very busy. 

I see my therapist, Tamela, today. A month ago she gave me an assignment, to accomplish one of my goals. I’ve accomplished a lot this past week by decluttering my home and my life. I haven’t achieved either goal I wanted to this month but I have cleared the pathway. Why it’s taken me this long to realize that I needed to do this before anything else, I don’t know. I did realize that I was overwhelmed and felt paralyzed by the clutter. They say you can’t see the forest for the trees. I somehow felt that my purpose was not to see either but to see beyond that tangle of woods and it feels like I’ve done a clear cut this week. As usual, the week was not without struggles. I’ve been eating a terrible diet and I haven’t exercised once but I have been very active. Still, despite my stumbles, I’m putting this week in the win column. 

Day 119

Yesterday was a backache day and last night was a sleepless night. I finally fell asleep around 3AM. I hope I can get a lot done today because I’ll be helping with hay tomorrow and Thursday, I have an outing with friends. I’ve been frustrated for over a week now because I have made a lot more progress than I’ve made in a long while but at the same time, my progress keeps being interrupted by muscle spasms in my back. It starts off with just pain but soon my muscles are so tight that I can barely walk and bending is impossible. The pain gets much worse also and extends into my hips and legs especially on my right side. I’m not complaining because this is a minor ailment compared to many but it does frustrate me because it slows me down so much. Even though I’m off to a slow late start today, I’m hoping for a pain free, productive day. 

Moving forward

It’s far from done but the bathroom is coming along. Today, I assembled shelves, hung the wreath and painted some baskets to hold tissue. 

Page 117

So far, so good.....What is how I’m feeling today?

I didn’t sleep well because of my back and leg pain....and the fact I was almost completely inactive yesterday probably didn’t help but that was because of back pain. I woke up to pain but I did a stretch a friend recommended and now, my back feels great. So, I have hope of accomplishing a lot today and finally getting back to the exercise. I’m getting a late start to the day but so far, so good. 

Day 116

Last Monday, I went to Costco to pick up supplies for hay cooking. I also picked up a couple of those large flats of bottled water. Usually, the person handing out free individual waters will help lift the heavy containers into the cart but this girl didn’t even offer me a free water. She was actually intent on filing her nails and getting paid to do that! I tell you all this because stubborn as I am, I lifted the water myself and hurt my back in the process. That is why I haven’t exercised or done much else since Monday. I keep having muscle spasms and the pain and weakness extend down my right leg. As I type, I’m lying here trying to get some relief. It’s so frustrating because I was doing so well with the exercise. I also had so many plans for the last few days and I’ve accomplished little of it. Is it wrong to feel like pinching off that girl’s head or psycho to imagine pulling out those nails? Joking there but I have considered reporting her for not doing her job