I think I’ve talked about this before but the root of my weight loss frustration is really in my head. First, I over think everything. That’s always been a problem of mine. An analytical mind is a great asset in some fields but, in general day to day life, it is a deterrent to progress. I find myself thinking more than doing. I spend more time making elaborately detailed plans than I actually do executing those plans. But when I do follow through and I don’t get the results I know I should, I become frustrated and I start finding fault in my execution or the system itself. In other words, when I keep detailed records of every calorie I consume and chronicle all physical activity, I think I should be able to accurately predict my weight loss. I think this because there was a time, when I was younger, that I could do this. That brings us to two and the reason that accuracy in prediction is no longer possible, I’m 63 now not 33 but I can’t wrap my head around that undeniable fact. Twice in the last two weeks, I’ve pushed myself too far physically. The last time, two days ago, I finished up with errands sooner than expected and arrived at the gym forty-five minutes before my class. I decided to ramp up my usual warm up. Instead of doing ten easy minutes on the treadmill, I really pushed myself for ten, did two intense minutes on the rower (that machine is killer so trust me when I say that two minutes at an 800-900 calorie burn is enough), then I went back and did twenty more minutes on the treadmill. If my Apple Watch is anywhere near accurate, I burned nearly 500 calories in forty-five minutes. There are two other women working out with me that day and Josh announced to them that he’d been working with me for three months...that turned out to be a sad statement. I started out strong, did okay through our second set of movements and then suddenly hit the wall on the last round. I had to sit down and the two newbies flew right past me. I finished but it felt like a limping trot across the finish line. Josh said he’d told me several times not to to overdo on the warm up. When I walked in the door at home, Steve took one astounded look at me and asked, “What the hell did he do to you? Your face is beet red and you’re so wet you look like you’ve been swimming.” I told him that Josh didn’t do anything, I did it to myself. And why do I push myself beyond what I’m capable of? In my head, I’m still 33 and what is impossible now was the norm at that age. Looking back, I’m kind of amazed at myself then. I was a bit of a dynamo. I was working by six, I would fit in three hours of exercise each day, I’d work until midnight and still find time for family and friends. I also stayed active because it was fun. I didn’t spend hours in front of the TV or computer. Instead, I would go ride my bike or take a walk. If I wanted to watch a movie, I’d workout on the exercise bike or some other machine in front of the TV. My idea of inactive was the time I spent sitting at my work painting or carving. That was when I allowed myself TV time to keep myself company...or actually to keep my brain occupied. The thing is, I was not extraordinary, I was just a typical thirty-something juggling life. Now, I’m not. Now, I can’t even keep the laundry done or the dishes washed most days, just planning dinner is a chore and never mind juggling, I’m not coordinated enough to pick up all of the balls. One ball is all I can handle and I’m lucky if I manage to catch it. So, it is understandable that my metabolism is no longer predictable. My brain, that is trying to calculate just how much I’m actually burning and how much I should be losing, still thinks it’s 33! I know this must sound crazy to many of you and I don’t know why I can’t shake off this delusion but I keep pushing beyond what I know I’m capable of, I don’t realize the progress I have made both in strength and endurance because it’s not even close to what my head believes I should be doing. But my not being able to accept my aging body is not my only “all in my head” problem. I know I’ve talked about this recently, but I can’t see the progress I have made. I run into someone I haven’t seen in awhile and they are amazed by how much weight I’ve lost. Steve tells me the same thing almost every day. Josh even mentioned my weight loss last week. Other people can see it, I honestly can not. I realize my clothes are looser but when I order new clothes, I tend to round up instead of down and they are too loose and baggy to actually be flattering. And I don’t see that; I see clothes that are loose but covering my fat body. Velma told me that I need to talk to my therapist about my warped awareness of my body. I just think, if I’m not aware of my age, why should I be any more aware of my body? So that, in a huge, novella sized nutshell, is my problem, how do I change my perception, how do I rewire my brain to reality both the good and the bad? I guess, being aware of the problem is a huge step toward the solution but can I change a lifetime of over thinking, needless worry, obsession and stress and become that laid back, easygoing person I want to be? Who knows? I just know that I don’t feel like I’m at the end of a journey but at the beginning. And I do believe in myself and my capability of accomplishing the goals I set for myself. I’m just going to have to accept the fact that I’m headed toward those goals at a slower and less intense pace and that the energies of my over active brain are best used in other ways.
