Small changes, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking tiny steps, that are easy to incorporate into my day but hopefully will lead to that big final goal. My final goal is to get my life back. I feel like I’ve just been existing, surviving, trying to hold my head above turbulent waters. This has gone on for several years and if I’m being honest, even when I seemed to have my life together, I lived with the constant fear of disaster. So, these small habits I’m establishing feel like major accomplishments because they signify forward movement out of stagnation and hope instead of fear. I really think, I’m through with fear. I’ve faced the dragon and I realize that he is fueled by my fears. I’ve decided to no longer feed him. My wise friend, Huston’s response to my constant obsessive worry: “Someone has to worry but it’s not going to be me so it might as well be you. But you know, Sande, things can turn out good as easily as they can turn out bad.” I miss him so much but his voice still speaks to my heart. What a blessing he was to my life.
Speaking of hope, I see my doctor today for blood tests. When I think about how badly I’ve felt for the last month, I’m really proud of myself for continuing to push forward and add healthy habits to my life. I’ve not accomplished what I wanted to or planned but I’ve done something, I’ve chipped away at that dragon and he is weakened and I am stronger.
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