Day 96

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the past few days. I haven’t done at all well with my good habit establishing and I’ve fallen back into some of those bad habits I want to break. Why the struggle? I could say it’s because I’m not sleeping well but last night, I took a new med to stop my coughing (it worked!) and I slept too well. So this day is off to a slow start. It’s easy to say, I don’t have time to exercise. It’s just as easy to fall back into the excuse for a major bad habit, it’s late so I’m not going to get what I had planned for the day done so I might as well binge on another episode of that TV show...which leads to, I’ve already blown the diet so a bag of chips won’t make it any worse. Illogical as those excuses sound, I’ve used them for years to avoid facing my day and the monumental tasks I set for myself.  A friend told me a few months ago that I was a perfectionist. That flabbergasted me....only word to describe my amazement and disbelief. Me, a perfectionist? My entire life is a mess, a total wreck, there’s no way! But, she was right. My life is a mess because I’m a perfectionist. If I know I can’t do something perfectly right, I don’t try doing it at all. I would perceive both not doing it and half doing it as failures and all those failures piled up to the monumental mess that is my life, is me. Don’t rag on me for being too hard on myself because the truth is the truth. BUT, this mess is only insurmountable because I keep refusing to start when I know the results will not be perfect. Can you imagine how exhausting that is? It’s no wonder I want to sit around all day long. Awareness, however, is a powerful tool. When I suddenly become aware of the fact that being a perfectionist is not a virtue but is actually a fault, my goals change and my dreams become achievable and I become energized and empowered. So, today,  I’ve learned, perfection is impossible and seeking perfection in myself and my life made my goals impossible. So let’s reassess my goals:

House: I envisioned a magazine worthy home with everything arranged and designed in perfect symmetry. My new goal, to make a livable house that is organized but comfortable and welcoming. It will be a house that reflects who I am rather than who I want people to see. 

Me, my body: Yes, I wanted perfection here, too. I kept saying that I wanted to lose weight so I could live a healthier and more active life well into those golden years but I really wanted to look good in my clothes again...and I really wanted to look thirty something not sixty something. 

My work: Why do I keep putting off getting back to work despite the fact that it brings me great pleasure? Because I’m afraid of failure. Honestly, we need the money that second income would generate but I’m afraid my work won’t sell. I keep hearing my sister saying, “Poor Steve; not many men would put up with a woman like you. Most men expect their wives to work at a job that actually makes money so they don’t have to work so hard. Steve has to work so hard because you won’t. Your work sold in the past but that’s the past and no one is going to buy it now. You need to get a real job. “ Yes, her words hurt me...and they were repeated often...but they also made me feel shame because whatever I was trying to do at the time wasn’t generating enough money.  So I end up not doing anything. I’ve been afraid she was right. Now, I think of what Huston said to me, “Things can just as easily turn out good as bad and how can you know which it will be if you don’t try?” He also said, he had faith in me. It’s time I listened to him and have faith in myself. If I take action instead of being petrified by the fear of failure, I will achieve something. That won’t be perfection, it most likely won’t be a huge landfall of income but it will be more than I have and more than I am than the nothing I have when I don’t try. And that doesn’t just apply to my job but everything I want to be and achieve in my life.