The Worst Decision of My Life

Day 106:

Day 106

Years ago, I made the worst decision of my life. I'd always been conscientious to the extreme especially where work ethic was concerned. I would never think of half doing a task and not finishing did not cross my mind. I would work seven days a week and often way past midnight and still get up and start again at 6:00 AM. True, my expectations of myself were unrealistic and eventually took their toll. Burn out is a horrible feeling. You feel like you've run head first into a stone wall. I couldn't even start much less finish an assignment. And that is when I made the decision that has affected my life since, I just quit. Yes, the task was a difficult one, maybe even impossible to finish in the time allotted, but I simply stopped and gave up. If I'm being honest, I was filled more with relief at that moment than regret. What made that the worst decision of my life? Giving up became an option. And after years of persevering during difficult tasks and events, it was so easy to just give in especially once I realized that the world would not end if I didn't finish or put in 100 percent effort. Despite that initial relief, I think I did realize I'd lost something essential that day. It's effects have snowballed over the years. I can blame my excess weight, my lack of physical fitness, the shape my home is in (it's a disaster), the fact I still haven't finished my studio and gotten back to work and even my depression and lack of interest in activities that use to bring me pleasure. I've become aware since starting this journal that realization is power and can bring about change. So, even though I have struggled at times, I am determined not to give in to that temptation to give up and quit. So, I keep working at these habits that may seem small now but as they become an established part of my life, they will grow and my awareness of myself will grow and the old habits and temptations will lose their power as I regain mine.