November 27, 2021

For several days, my emotions have been fluctuating and I’ve been fighting off depression. We did have a wonderful Thanksgiving with family. I was crying before we left the house and then spent the rest of the day laughing and talking. It was good medicine.

Yesterday, the depression got worse. It wasn’t until last night that I realized what was going on. I’d thought it was the result of the unexpected surgery and the long, forced recovery period but once I realized what was really bothering me, the depression faded away. My appointment with Dr. Saunders is on Tuesday and we will discuss prognosis and treatment. The way I’ve been feeling, the anxiety, the depression and the revolving door of emotions, it’s all got to do with that appointment. Yes, I am ready to get all of these delays over with but I still dread hearing my diagnosis. It’s like when I made the mistake of googling my type of cancer and I saw that low survival rate. Yes, as Dr. Hahn said, gross statistics mean little to individual patients. Yes, those numbers are based on many people with much more advanced cancer. Yes, I still have faith and truly feel in my heart that I will survive this and God has plans for me beyond it. BUT seeing that number, reading those words felt like someone hit me on the head with a sledgehammer and drove my usually positive spirit down low, very low. Tuesday, it feels like I’m getting sentenced and part of me is still afraid it will be a death penalty. But realizing and admitting to those fears actually eased my anxiety. I’m much better today. I’m still moving slowly and working in short spurts but I am doing more than lying around. I still have faith and I still feel the love of God around me. And I still feel, no matter what words I hear on Tuesday, I will be okay.