Day 128

Okay, I decided not to start at day one but instead to forget the last two miserable weeks. I woke up virtually pain free today and I did sleep for most of the night. I have great plans today, I’m hoping to make progress on my decluttering and I want to start my habits again. I drank my water first thing, that’s habit one. I added a cup of green tea, that’s a new habit. I intend to start my food diary and exercise again after I finish writing this journal entry, those will be restarts on habits two and three. I brushed right after breakfast, habit four, and added a new habit to establish, flossing after every meal. I planned out what I hope to accomplish today and wrote down my gratitudes. I guess that’s a new habit, too. Basically, I’m restarting and refreshing my life and getting back to the basics of listing my accomplished habits here so I’m accountable to all of you as well as myself. 

I truly appreciate all of the input I received concerning my restart of this journey. I learned a lot from all of you. When I started this journal, I was reticent about revealing what I saw as my shortcomings and failures. I’d neglected so many parts of my life. Both my home and my body had fallen into disrepair. I’d stopped enjoying the things that once brought me pleasure. I’d embraced grief and sorrow and rejected joy. I’d given up. But really, I hadn’t. I’d been trying to change my circumstances and gain at least a semblance of control over my life for years; I was just going about it in the wrong way. I’ve learned a lot over the past four months. I’ve gained new perspective and I know how to proceed now in a way that brings progress. I have been making progress! I’ve taken action and I’m starting to feel in control of my own life again. I’ve learned a lot from each of you and I’ve discovered so much about myself. One thing I just realized is the last ten or so years were not a total loss. I kept trying and I was gaining knowledge with each try. Also, I don’t think I was ready to reach my goals until now. I think the years of struggle have brought me to a place where my work will be better, I’ll be a better artist for my gained experience and perspective. My home will eventually be repaired and the design will be better than it would have been ten years ago because I know myself better. What I mean by that is I’ll style my home to my needs and tastes not copy anyone by following the latest, fleeting trends and not trying to impress anyone but myself. I think I have a clearer understanding of what I need to do to improve my body and health, which I’m discovering is different than what It would have been two years ago much less ten or fifteen. I think I will now approach riding and working with my horses with new knowledge and understanding. I simply think this is the right time for me to be embracing all of these changes because this is when I’m ready for change. I looked at myself as being weak, as being a failure, feeling as if I’d fallen from grace for so many years. But now I see myself as a fighter who was badly beaten but never gave up and who was just assembling an arsenal to win this battle called life.