I’m not so dense that I don’t know what a struggle it is to establish new habits or what a grip the habits have that you are trying to banish. But, I am in a fight with myself right now. I’m fighting with myself not to become discouraged and to keep working on growing me and my life into the best it can be. I realize I’m fighting against a good thing but it’s too easy to say this battle is too hard, I concede. Why is it so hard to change as you grow older? I think there are several reasons. Those old habits are comfortable and well established. Change is scary at any time and painful but especially when you’ve settled into your life even if it’s not as good as you want. We’ve already fought many battles and we feel like we’ve paid our dues. But, I think the major reason change is hard for me is, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve fought so long to change my life and again and again lost by choosing the wrong tools and wrong path. I’ve been held back by circumstances beyond my control and instead of finding a way to go around them when I couldn’t defeat them, I either continued a fight that was not winnable or gave in and gave up. Still, I keep fighting now even though I sometimes feel like I’m beat up and scarred beyond even my own recognition. I will make a confession here and it’s one that doesn’t paint a pretty picture of me even though it is probably just being human, I have become a bit resentful and jealous. I never was when I was younger but then, there was a time, when good fortune and happiness seemed drawn to me. I didn’t really need to put in much effort. Now, those things are elusive goals and the work needed to get there seems overwhelming and sometimes beyond my ability. So, when I see others who appear to have it all together and when they also happen to be people who have been or still are mean to me (and yes, I do realize how childish that sounds), I resent them. I become jealous. I don’t like feeling that way and when I do, it’s a drain on that emotional strength I need to succeed at my current goals. It also makes my current life seem even worse in comparison which is also draining and discouraging. I could delve into the deeper psychology at work here, both my own and others, but instead, I’ll say that awareness is the strongest tool. Recognizing and accepting how I honestly feel and becoming aware of why I feel this way can actually be energizing. I don’t have to give in and I certainly don’t have to give up. I do have to remain focused on my goals and avoid making comparisons between my life and others. So, I will become a bit selfish and self centered. I will put all of my attention on me so that I can see the details and small triumphs and build on those. I will not let myself be dragged down by past failures and mistakes. I will not let myself be distracted by how much needs to be done. I will focus on now, I will focus on this day. I will stop projecting into the future and I will stop grasping at the past. I will try to be a success in this moment, in this day, in this place. And I will stay focused on my own triumphs, however small, and not compare them to someone else’s.
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