Self Analysis

My friend, Sharon (we knew each other as teenagers) was offering me encouragement after my last dismal post and in responding to her, I realized why I'm so down today. My health coach, Velma, who graduated me from the program after I successfully reached my goals, is calling for a one month check in today. I know my report will disappoint her, it disappoints me. I couldn't help hurting my back....okay, maybe if I'd shown a little common sense and restraint, I could have but I couldn't help how it effected my life. I'm lucky, all traces of pain have gone now so it must have been a muscle strain and not something more serious and long lasting. I do realize that I'm starting over from scratch trying to establish these healthy habits again and that I fell back into some unhealthy ones like comforting myself with food and TV. So, it is a fact that most of what I perceive as my failure was unavoidable BUT that still does not negate the fact that I have taken a major slide back in my progress and I have nothing else to report but that I'm still trying to get back on track. Honestly, I think Velma will understand and that she may be disappointed for me but never disappointed in me but I am disappointed in myself. A friend pointed out a short while ago that I over think every thing. I do. I've always done that. Sometimes it is helpful, I think the things I've learned about myself over the last four months are very helpful and they came from a lot of self analysis. But you can't look that closely at something and not find a few flaws and scars that you would like to ignore. This day is not a good one for contemplation but that is what I've done. It started with me feeling dismissed from someone who has done that a lot in our lives. It shouldn't bother me, I know it's his problems and not my own ( and NO, it is certainly not Steve. He would never dismiss me and he would never be allowed to. lol) What I was ignored over was a minor thing but it just brought up all of that insecurity that this treatment creates on a day when I'm already swimming in insecurity. I'm literally not a strong swimmer but in this metaphorical sense, I'm kind of drowning here. So, I truly love you all and all of the encouragement and love you show to me but it might be best to ignore me today. It's not that I don't need your friendship, I certainly do. It's because we all need the occasional day to wallow in it and this is mine and it will pass and I will survive.