Day 84

I’ve been getting off track a bit. Even though I’ve been active, I can’t seem to establish that exercise habit. I had an episode yesterday where I came close to passing out. I was holding Mouse while our vet, Melissa Hamilton, was floating her teeth. I started feeling queasy, then suddenly weak and light headed.  Thank goodness, Ginny Irving and the girls, Colleen and Clare, had kindly come over that morning to help untangle the horses’ tails(they did all the work while I held brat Danny). I called out to Ginny asking her to take Mouse and then stumbled backwards and collapsed on the ground. My blood sugar must have dropped and I’m sure the heat didn’t help. The girls got me water and Mellisa gave me a hard candy. I was on my feet soon but stayed wobbly well into the afternoon. I later told Steve how embarrassed I was when this happened and when it started all I could think was how foolish and weak I felt being the one doing the least work and yet I’m the one who falters. Steve pointed out two things to me, the heat really bothers me as I’ve aged and I’ve hardly left the house since my surgery last year. I think this is one of those things I’ve been in denial about because I think my year and a half of being agoraphobic is mainly because of depression. The good news is, in the last 84 days of keeping this journal, I’ve started being more aware of several things. One is my diet, I’m making better choices with food and I’m really thinking about what I eat and if I’m really hungry. The other is my activity habits. I’m realizing more and more what I’m missing out on by spending so much time in the house, often locked away in my dark bedroom. Steve blames my lack of sleep but I blame both this awful habit and insomnia on the depression that’s held me prisoner. I am finding more joy and less fear in being outside, enjoying the sunshine and beauty around me, enjoying spending time with the horses and laughing and sharing time with family and friends. You would think knowing the happiness these things bring me would be a given but it’s not. I can’t explain the dread, sometimes fear that I have to battle some days just forcing myself to go outside or interact with others. Things are getting better though and I think this diary and the introspection and self discovery it generates is a big part of that. I also can not express how much the support all of you have given me has meant, too. So, even though I still struggle to establish that exercise habit, my life is so much better than it was 84 days ago. I think I am accomplishing my initial goal of making my life better, improving me and finding balance. I think of my life as a scale. Before, it was leaning all the way to one side and so overloaded with bad that I felt buried but now, there is a lot of happiness weighting down the bright side of the scale and I’m steadily rising up.