Day 71

Motivation

Sometimes even negative input can motivate you to make good changes but sometimes that type of motivation can backfire on you. When you’re trying to prove something to someone else, you may want to take reckless shortcuts to reach your goals faster and you’re less likely to stick with the “plan” once those goals are reached. 

When I was twenty nine, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and I turned to food for comfort. One day, a family member called me up and she was laughing when I answered the phone. She said, “I just had to tell you the funniest thing. Someone saw you out walking and asked if you were pregnant and I said, no, she’s just gotten incredibly fat.” That slap in the face wasn’t enough for her; she told this story and laughed and laughed whenever she had an audience, friends or strangers, and I was present. I know my emotions were already raw because of the miscarriage but it hurt every time. So, I became determined to lose the weight but just upping my activity and lowering calorie intake wasn’t working fast enough. I ordered some diet pills advertised in the back of a magazine. I was so excited when they arrived. Mega planner that I am, I’d already mapped out how quickly I was going to be able to show my antagonist up. But it only took one pill to reveal to me that the fast track was not the best path to weight loss. It wasn’t long after I’d swallowed that capsule that my heat started racing so that it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. I broke out in a sweat and my head was spinning. As soon as I recovered enough, I tossed the pills and drove straight to the grocery to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. I educated myself about good nutrition that would fuel my body. I lost the weight and I worked out. I was in the best shape of my life and I was full of energy and enjoying my life. That person continued to throw cruel and critical barbs at me but they just bounced off. I was confident now and able to laugh at them instead of being wounded. 

But, as I was discussing with a friend this weekend, it isn’t just about establishing new habits, it’s also about breaking old, harmful ones. I find myself getting discouraged because I’m not seeing progress as quickly as I’d hoped or expected. I find myself calculating how much I need to lose to impress some protagonist when I see them again. Then I remember my first goal wasn’t weight loss, it was improving my health to enhance the wellbeing of future me and regain vitality in my present. So, another healthy habit I plan to start building is reminding myself every day why I’m making these changes and knowing that every day I repeat my new healthy habit is a victory and motivating myself in positive ways is, too.