It's epiphany time again. Perhaps the reason I'm so tired is my brain keeps looking for solutions to my problems while I'm trying to sleep. Sometimes, that actually works in my favor. Various professionals over the years have been telling me I need to set out a plan to reach my goals. That doesn't always work for me. It's not that I'm not a planner. I spend more time making a plan than I actually do trying to execute those steps I've laid out. Even though I'm many months of work away....if not years, let's be honest.....from getting this house back in order, I not only know where how I'm going to arrange the furniture, I know where I'm hanging art and placing accessories. I've sketched out each room numerous times. It seems to give me some satisfaction just to imagine what our home will look like once all this work is done but, at the end of the day, I'm never any closer to getting the rooms cleaned out in order to just start the first step of painting. I lay out plans on how I'm going to do this and it isn't just a filled calendar by days, I work it out to the hour! Yes, we've already established over the past few months that I tend to be a wee (cough-cough) bit obsessive. It's just that, years of piling up boxes, however orderly, is still clutter and clutter tends to clog up your mind as well as obstruct actual tasks. I have admitted to being overwhelmed but I don't think that is the only problem. I admit to having a problem with time management no matter how many daily schedules I compose. So, what is my problem? I need a job. That may sound like an odd statement considering that one of my goals when I started this year (actually it's been a goal for the past two or three years if not longer) was getting back to work by clearing out my long neglected workshop and turning the room we are currently using as our bedroom into a beautifully sunlit studio space. How much progress have I made toward those goals? If I have to answer that, you are either new to this blog/journal or you haven't been paying attention. Even though I've been committed to the task of getting fitter and healthier since January and I thought that might lead to discipline and progress in other areas of my life, it hasn't. So, all of those afore mentioned professionals who gave me that "make a list" advice also keep telling me to be patient but patience ain't paying the bills nor getting me moving any earlier in the mornings. So, after another late start thanks to another sleepless night (I did everything right this time, took my magnesium and an OTC pain med, didn't drink more than a sip of water, put down my book early and got comfortable, a good nights sleep was not to be. I was woken up in the middle of the night by an elderly friend calling in a panic to ask me why it was so dark outside. I had to assure her that it was not the middle of the day and the end of time had arrived but rather the middle of the night and she'd simply dozed off in front of the TV. Then, I had to try and get back to sleep after our long conversation finally ended an hour later.), I had my epiphany. I realized my life had no direction. I have no problem getting to appointments or the gym on time because I know I have to be there promptly but the rest of my life is aimless. I knew I needed to haul water to the horses this morning and start cleaning up my wrecked kitchen but now, it is noon (and daylight this time) and I've accomplished nothing. I haven't even been back to sleep, since Steve woke me up at 4AM, except for a fitful thirty minute nap I practically forced myself into. So, I asked myself why it seems impossible for me to actually accomplish the tasks I set out for myself at the beginning of my day? The answer is simple, so simple that I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize it, I simply DON'T HAVE TO DO THOSE THINGS. I don't have a deadline hanging over my head, I don't have an appointed hour that I have to show up, I don't have anyone but myself to be accountable to. Yes, the tasks at hand are often overwhelming but there are days, I don't even do what is required of me....leading to a lot of eating out. So, even though I've made getting this house back in order my top priority, I think perhaps, I need to get back to work instead. The studio space does not need to be done for that to happen. Yes, the basement has to be sorted out but I've heard this is going to be a rainy weekend so chances are I'll have help getting that done from Steve. Considering how much time I'm now wasting, requiring myself to put in even a few hours of actual (hopefully paying unless all my collectors have grown weary of my empty promises and given up on me) work might just be the catalyst I need to start work on other projects. So, that is the new plan. I will let you know how it goes. I'm hoping that by the end of summer, I can report that I've accomplished a lot more with all of my life goals. Remember my new mantra, "She thought she could and so, SHE DID!"