Day 115

We are baling hay again which always keeps me busy even though I rarely help out in the field these days.  Yesterday, was an off day for me as far as cooking goes so I used the time to make a dent in the mess that has accumulated in our house over the years. I scrubbed out some unused plastic storage bins that had been stored unused in the garage for years. I'm hoping, by the end of this long weekend, to use them when we finally get that garage cleaned out. I know that sounds counter productive to put them right back where they came from but they will be in use this time organizing all the other stuff that is cluttering up the garage. We haven't been able to use our garage as a garage for a long while but before it goes back to its intended purpose, I plan to use it as a staging area for prepping and painting furniture that needs a face lift.

I had intended to also get my tack cleaned up yesterday but I kept getting muscle spasms in my back that slowed me down. It's one of my major goals, in this year of change, to begin riding again. Thanks to some very sound advise from my friend, Ginny Irving, I'm no longer planning to dive in head first...or in this case, leap into the saddle blind. I'm going to start slowly with ground work to build trust and respect first. That will give me a chance to enhance not only the horse's confidence but my own. Sad that it's taken me twelve years of horse ownership to l learn this vital lesson but as my friend Huston would have said, I know it now so build on it and move forward. 

After a great week of exercising every day, I've missed two days this week and I'm not so certain I will manage to fit it in today. The emotional nosedive I went into after Velma graduated me is to blame for part of that but I need to get back to my original purpose of improving my life and health by establishing this habit. I have to admit, all of the soul searching and self analysis I've been doing over the last 115 days has led me to realize that my emotions and motivations are far more complicated than I'd first thought. I remember my friend Pamie saying that being in therapy was like peeling an onion, every layer you pull off just reveals another layer. The good news is, despite the fact that both the realization and change that results can sometimes be difficult and painful, I'm growing stronger in my new found self awareness and getting ever closer to my ultimate goal of  a better me, a better and more balanced life. I read a quote this morning, "When she wakes, she will move mountains!" I think I'm waking up.

Day 111

It's kind of a sad day for me. Miss Velma "graduated" me from our health coaching. If I'd known that my recent successes would lead to ending our relationship, I wouldn't have been so eager to tell her that I was keeping my food diary again, I'd exercised every day in the last week and I lost five and a half pounds. I was so proud of myself especially for being consistent with my exercise. Velma was proud of me, too but sadly, she told me that she thought I had this from now on. She did agree to call back in a month to check on me but I am still going to miss her. She gave me great advice and even better encouragement. It also helped having someone I felt accountable to. And I really liked Miss Velma.

One down, One to go!

Creative project

I had this pair of old canvas shoes and no amount of washing could get out the mud stains so I’m painting them. 

Joy, oh joy! I’m down two pounds this morning!!! Today’s workout will be a happy dance! 😁

Day 108

I did my 15 minutes of exercise yesterday. I plan to do that again as soon as I finish this post. That will be three days in a row. That my not sound like much but for two weeks I struggled with my new habits and I don’t think I had three days total. I could certainly do more than 15 minutes but I’m restricting myself to that until it is something I want to do instead of just what I’m requiring of myself. I know that will come with time and consistency. It’s that way with any habit once established, it becomes a part of your life and you miss it if you can’t do it for some reason. In our thirties, we were active and we always ate nutritious food. We lost all desire for junk food, the first thing we always ordered from the menu was a salad and we chose a lean entree because that’s what we desired. It was the same with exercise. Even when we traveled, I’d get up early to fit in a workout. If it was a vacation, we looked for active things to do. That’s why I believe in the power of habit, I’ve seen first hand how it can transform your life. On another note, I saw an interview by Jay Leno of a young man who purposely made himself fat and out of shape. He was a personal trainer and he said he wanted to see life from his clients perspective. He gained 75 pounds in six months by eating the same processed foods most Americans eat every day and by becoming a couch potato. What struck me most was how difficult the simplest tasks had become for him. He said he got out of breath just tying his shoes. I can relate to that, it can be torture bending over but I’d been blaming it on getting older. This young man’s describing his life after gaining weight sounded like me, an older woman, describing mine. I suddenly thought, maybe it’s not all about aging? It gives me new incentive to work out and eat a healthy diet when I realize that it can change my life in a positive way the same way being over weight and out of shape’s negative effects restrict me. If I keep these new habits going another day, another week and until they are an essential part of my life, who knows how great I can feel and be in a year?! I might be that person I remember whom I’ve kept locked away for years.

Day 107....Insomnia

The habits are my actions now. And since it’s my anniversary and easy to remember, I’m saying I started them on the 22nd, that’s yesterday-August 22 just in case you are reading this at a later date. 

It’s 9:00 AM and I’m just starting my day. No, that’s misleading. I started my day at 1:30 AM and I was feeling peppy at 3:00 AM when Steve got up. I should have done my exercise then but thought I’d do it after I ate breakfast which took an hour to get around to because I was checking email and FB. And once I’d eaten, I thought I should let my food settled for an hour so I wouldn’t get nauseous. Long story short, I fell asleep before that hour was up and woke up again thirty minutes ago. I just had my mid morning snack so I could drink a mug of coffee, can’t drink anything but water without food which is why I drink so much water. None of the things I had planned for this morning are done. Just getting up at my normal time of 5:00 AM, I had planned to exercise, shower, work/play with the horses, walk the dog, do two loads of laundry and be well on my way to having the kitchen clean and a bunch of vegetables, for eating raw, washed and cut up. Instead, I’m still in my pjs at 9:30 and Steve is coming home early because we are cutting hay again. 

The bottom line is, I need to stay asleep during the designated hours. I take melatonin which helps me to get to sleep but I seem to wake up around 1:00 every night. It is frustrating and I could list a variety of reasons, my irritating cough that no med seems to help, my cat that thinks I’m his bed and who doesn’t help the cough and my tiny bladder and the water I take the pills with that help lessen my coughing and help me to get to sleep. There is no easy answer so I think I should just start planning my day around my “new normal.” If I’m going to make up for those three lost hours by sleeping from six to nine every day, I’m going to have to say, my day starts at nine not five. The unproductive time is between one and three, which irks me but I still keep hoping to go back to sleep so I stay in bed. Maybe I can get up and do something and then go back to bed at five? Yeah, that would work. I’ll just turn the ringer off on my phone so no normal people will bother me. Lol😁

Well, I’ve done me well with the habits today!

❤️ I took my pills. 

❤️ I exercised for 18 minutes. 

❤️ I’ve brushed my teeth after every meal. 

❤️ I’ve journaled my diet. I’m 78 cal. under! 

❤️ I walked the dog and gave him his pills. 

❤️ I plan to go play with the horses after dinner. 

The only one I haven’t done is accomplish something on the house. I did change the bed sheets because the cat threw up on them. Wonder if that can count? Lol. Might just need to do two things tomorrow. 

There is one that no to add.

❤️ Start each day with gratitude and a prayer. 

Yes, Another Day 106 Post

I'm hoping that I'll look back on this day as the turning point. I've had good starts before and even though I've faltered, I have kept going. I do have that to be proud of. But my main concern and complaint is my very slow progress during this beginning of my journey. I'm a third of the way through this year of intent and change and in the beginning, I was expecting to make great, leaping strides.

Here is what I think though, change is hard and I have been becoming more self aware and more capable of that change. Even though the scale has not dropped dramatically and even though I'm not ready to run a marathon (as if that would ever happen) and even though I have made little progress on my house and am not much closer to finishing my studio space and getting back to work or finding time for those things that bring me joy, like playing with the horses, I still feel like I've made tremendous progress. The things I've discovered about myself by just journaling here are making it easier to let go of old, non productive and often hurtful habits and attitudes and to move forward in my life by replacing those bad things with good, healthy habits and a positive attitude.

And now, I need to start taking action to make my life better, to make me better. These new habits are a start and I'm feeling good about them. I've been worried about working them into my schedule and how the least interruption could throw that process off when I realized something, I don't really have a schedule. No, this person, who has over planned everything her entire life, has been living in mental and emotional chaos. I have to bring order back to my life and instead of fitting those new habits into my life, I need to build my life around them. This last 105 days have been about uprooting old, nasty habits, totally destroying them and torching them down. I've got to leave them in the past where they belong in order to create my new habits and life. So, now, I feel like I'm at the beginning of something and I feel it is going to be something big and exciting....and that something is my LIFE!

The Worst Decision of My Life

Day 106:

Day 106

Years ago, I made the worst decision of my life. I'd always been conscientious to the extreme especially where work ethic was concerned. I would never think of half doing a task and not finishing did not cross my mind. I would work seven days a week and often way past midnight and still get up and start again at 6:00 AM. True, my expectations of myself were unrealistic and eventually took their toll. Burn out is a horrible feeling. You feel like you've run head first into a stone wall. I couldn't even start much less finish an assignment. And that is when I made the decision that has affected my life since, I just quit. Yes, the task was a difficult one, maybe even impossible to finish in the time allotted, but I simply stopped and gave up. If I'm being honest, I was filled more with relief at that moment than regret. What made that the worst decision of my life? Giving up became an option. And after years of persevering during difficult tasks and events, it was so easy to just give in especially once I realized that the world would not end if I didn't finish or put in 100 percent effort. Despite that initial relief, I think I did realize I'd lost something essential that day. It's effects have snowballed over the years. I can blame my excess weight, my lack of physical fitness, the shape my home is in (it's a disaster), the fact I still haven't finished my studio and gotten back to work and even my depression and lack of interest in activities that use to bring me pleasure. I've become aware since starting this journal that realization is power and can bring about change. So, even though I have struggled at times, I am determined not to give in to that temptation to give up and quit. So, I keep working at these habits that may seem small now but as they become an established part of my life, they will grow and my awareness of myself will grow and the old habits and temptations will lose their power as I regain mine.

Day 106/action day 5

Back to those habits. I actually installed an app on my phone to keep on track. I’m reminded to:

1) keep my diet journal (I can tell the difference when I don’t do this accountability task.)

2) take my pills. I actually just bought a little box to keep track. 

3) give Bodie his supplements

4) walk Bodie. I don’t really have to be reminded of this but reminders keep me from putting this off until it’s late and I’m tired. 

5) exercise. I’m great at postponing this, another habit I need to break and another to set in stone. I’m starting with 15-17 minutes with weights three times a week. 

6) brush my teeth after EVERY meal. This one isn’t just for oral hygiene but also to signal that the meal is done. Keeps me from grazing. 

7) horses. Just horses for now. It means I’m going to move beyond just feeding and watering and start enjoying them again. Just horses because I’ll start with just grooming daily and work toward riding again. 

Eight) House. If I don’t write eight, I get an emoji in sunglasses 😎 lol.  Accomplish something everyday. It doesn’t matter how small. 

I will be adding other things soon but for now, it’s these eight. 

What got me back on track?....seeing myself in a full length mirror in the bathroom at the doctor’s office yesterday. I had a very sudden leap from denial to reality.